


There's Always Something...

by AbsorbingMisery, LilianaFox, nickolefox (AbsorbingMisery)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Falling In Love, Martial Arts, Questioning, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 23:20:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3997009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsorbingMisery/pseuds/AbsorbingMisery, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilianaFox/pseuds/LilianaFox, https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsorbingMisery/pseuds/nickolefox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke's struggling to be the person she's meant to be, surrounded by a well meaning friend/boyfriend and running from an oppressive past. Perhaps her move and a chance meeting with her new martial arts instructor is just what she needs to get her life back on track.</p><p>But there's always something in the way of happily ever after...isn't there?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End's Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note
> 
> This story uses characters from CW’s TV Series ‘The 100’ based on the book series by Kass Morgan, therefor we DO NOT OWN or have any rights on these characters and we are only borrowing them.
> 
> This story originates out the madness of our brains, therefor we DO OWN the plot of this story.
> 
> We share this fictional story out of our free will and we do not intend to harm anyone. We will apply trigger warnings to every chapter to protect and warn you as our readers, whom we appreciate and love.
> 
> If you wish to use our characters or post our story somewhere else, please contact us first. This story is, as every story a person writes, a very personal part of us.

** The End’s Beginning **

~

 

After unloading the last of her boxes, Clarke plops down in her boyfriend’s plush black leather chair and sighs. She looks around at the “homey” appearance his apartment now has thanks to the addition of her belongings.

Bellamy walks around the bar and sits down on the arm of the chair, handing her a tall glass of iced tea and smiles. “Can you believe it? You’re finally here and all settled in!” He smiles excitedly, watching her with his brown eyes even though she misses it.

Clarke is leaning her head back with her deep blue eyes closed as she sighs, allowing the strain of the day and her thoughts to catch up to her. “Yes, finally settled in.” _Although I’m still not 100% sure what exactly I’m hoping to accomplish._

Bellamy sighs and frowns, looking down at his glass.  “Actually I was thinking more along the lines that, ‘you’re finally here’ not so much with the being settled part,” he dares a glance at her to judge her reaction, knowing she would feel badly.

“Bell, I’m sorry.”  She tries an apologetic smile, sighing and running a hand through her blonde locks. “Yes, I’m finally here” she tries again, knowing the excitement he was hoping to hear isn’t portraying in her voice.  She hates to cause him pain, but it seems as if it’s something she’s rather good at, especially lately.

Bellamy shakes his head and smiles weakly, trying to console her. “Look, I know we moved in together early, but it just feels so right to me, you know?  And I know you have your fears and your doubts, but Clarke, is life worth living if you’re too scared to take risks? I mean, we’re best friends, right?”

Clarke looks at him, a bit shocked at the question of their friendship. “Of course we are, Bell, that’s so not the point. You love me, and I,” she sighs and closes her eyes, “you know I love you.  I just...” she pauses, trying to collect her thoughts,  “I just can’t quite figure out why you’d want me living with you when I can’t even…” she trails off again, shrugging her shoulders.  She knows he understands.  What more did she need to say?

Bellamy places his warm hands on her shoulders, trying to relax her. “Look, this isn’t about sex, Clarke, you should know that. I’m in love with you. Even if we never consummate our relationship, I still want you with me.  But… I do hope there might be something eventually, you know? I mean,” he huffs a laugh out, “I am a guy.” He tries for a charming smile but sees it isn’t doing much good.

He takes a deep breath, changing tactics and runs his hand through his long wavy brown hair.  “Please don’t argue with me or try to sugar coat this when I say it, but yeah, I know you love me, but I also know, that we _both_ know” he takes her hand and rubs his thumb over the back of it and along her fingers, “that you aren’t _in_ love with me. That’s why I want you here.  We’re best friends, so we can talk, have fun…make out?” she smiles and squeezes his hand, “but we can also figure out some things for you.  Either you can fall in love with me, or…you can know for sure.” He sighs again and shrugs his shoulders, “Even though we know that would disappoint your family.”

Seeing the fleeting pain in her eyes he squeezes her hand again and changes the subject, standing up and looking at his watch.  “You better go grab your gear.  Class starts at Bent Steel in 30 minutes.”

Her thoughts are plagued with fear but she shakes it aside and then looks at him questioningly.  “Wait, I thought we decided I’d wait and officially start once the new trainer starts next week so I can get some one on one?”

Bellamy finishes off his tea and sits his glass down.  “Well see, here’s the thing.  I kind of called and cancelled that new trainer for you.” Off her look he raises his hand to stop her before she starts, “Just hear me out.  Okay?”  When she nods he continues.

“There is a fully trained and licensed trainer that just moved here about three months ago.  She was working at the Y but got noticed by the owner of Bent Steel and was offered the new head trainer position. She’s a black belt in several martial arts styles and I hear she’s quite good.” He grins at her, knowing of her passion for martial arts, “If you’re going to train, might as well get the best, am I right?”

She looks at him and smiles. _God if only I were in love with him.  He’s trying so hard… I just can’t._ Shaking her head to clear her thoughts she rolls her eyes, “If she’s all that, then why the hell would she waste time with me? I’m new here, not a long time member of Bent Steel.  I mean, shit Bell I’ve only been twice now!”

He smiles his cute boyish grin, dimples shining.  “Lets just say it’s a favor from Raven and you can go as often as you like and this new trainer is all yours as long as you schedule in advance.”

Clarke just shakes her head and smiles.  “Okay but umm, two questions.  Who’s Raven, and when do I meet this trainer?”

“Raven Reyes is the owner of Bent Steel.  And tonight.”  Looking at his watch again he began walking towards the door and opened it up, making a hand movement ushering her out.  “And if you don’t get going, you’re going to have her waiting on you.”

Clarke turns quickly grabbing her gear bag and then goes to get a water bottle from the freezer before pecking him on the cheek and hurrying through the doorway. Once outside she turns to face him. “Wait, what’s her name?” 

“Lexa Collins.”

 

~

 

Clarke pulls into the parking lot, puts her car in park and smiles, shutting off the engine.  “Lexa.” She says softly and smiles. _Pretty name.  Really unique_ she thinks. _Like Clarke isn’t?_ She snorts at her mother’s taste in names.  She loves it, being different, but couldn’t help but wonder why her mother gave it to her, considering it’s usually a guy’s name.  She smiles sadly shaking her head, not willing to ask.

She climbs out of the car and shivers at the cold gust of air. “God I hate snow.” She mutters to herself as she makes her way into the gym. 

“Yeah me too.”  A voice carries from a few cars over.  “Why the hell did I move to Colorado?”

Clarke turns quickly hearing the soft voice coming from behind her.

“Hi. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m running a bit late.” The brunette girl says as she reaches the door where Clarke is now standing.  “My 7:30 is probably cursing me right now.”  She looks at Clarke who is just slightly staring as if not knowing what to say.

Lexa rolls her eyes and shakes her head slightly riding it of snow and blushes, “God I’m such a moron, forgive my rudeness.”  She steps inside the door, holding it open for Clarke.  Putting down her bag she holds out her hand, “I’m Lexa, the new trainer here.”

“So you’re Lexa.”  Clarke smiles and shakes her hand.  She then takes off her coat as Lexa did likewise.  “Well, I’m Clarke and I’m not cursing you.”

Lexa smiles.  “Clarke. That’s unique, but then I guess Lexa is too.  Still can’t figure out where my mom came up with that.”  She laughs and looks at Clarke who is grinning at her and chuckles softly. _A beautiful soft chuckle_.  “What?” She smiles back.

Clarke shrugs her shoulders, nervously lowering her eyes.  “Sorry its just…well I was thinking the same thing about my name earlier.”

“Humm. Well maybe that’s a sign we’ll get along great. You know what they say, great minds think alike.”

They made their way into the changing room to put on their workout clothes and head for the elevator.  Arriving at the second floor, Clarke follows Lexa to room #7. 

Bent Steel is an amazing place, and quite huge.  The three floors each have a massively large workout area with weights, empty mat space and mirrors.  On each floor are also assigned rooms for trainers to work with their group, or assigned individuals privately.  The main floor is used for aerobics and general fitness.  Floor two is exclusively for kickboxing and boxing training while floor three is reserved for meditation, tai chi, yoga and a massage area for after workouts.

“Alright so…I hear you’re pretty well trained in martial arts so I guess I won’t need to bore you with the basics and lecture about proper stretching?” Lexa smiled teasingly.

“I’m not sure who you’ve been talking to, but yeah, I took some karate classes for a few years.  Some ah, crazy things happened and I’ve been pretty much out of shape for the last three years.” She looks away then and finds a spot on the mat to begin her warm up stretches.

“Well being since we just met and all, I won’t pry.  But, I’m sure we’ll get you back into shape quickly. I mean, to me it doesn’t look like you’re out of it.” Lexa smirks at her, all to aware Clarke could see her eyes roaming over her body.

Clarke blushes and begins stretching as Lexa smiles happy to see the blush on pale skin, “Won’t be long and I’ll find out all your secrets.”

Clarke swallows and smiles at the compliment before looking down at the mat.   _If you knew all my secrets you probably wouldn’t be alone in this room with me._

“Hey, where’d you go?” Lexa asks, touching her shoulder softly.  “Am I that boring?” she smiles, letting the blonde know she is only teasing her.

Clarke blushes, “God I’m sorry.  I just, it’s been a long week is all.  It’s crazy upstairs.” She admits, pointing to her head and twirling her finger.

Lexa smiles and nods in understanding.  Holding out her hand, she pulls Clarke to stand.  “So let’s get your mind off of it…at least for a couple hours. Let’s do some bag work. We’ll use the meter bag and judge your power kicks, then we’ll spar.”

“Sounds good to me!” Clarke smiles and took off running toward the meter bag Lexa is holding. She lands a perfect high sidekick that knocks the brunette back a couple feet. 

“Damn, nice power!” She exclaims looking at the meter.  “I would hate to be at the receiving end of that!” She laughs, finding she’s likes the sparkle in Clarke’s eyes when she smiles.

“Sorry, pent up energy I guess.”

Lexa smirks at her student. “Well this is one good outlet!” She studies Clarke’s kicks, the power in her thighs and the toned muscle in her arms as she tightens to punch. Clarke didn’t seem to notice, too lost in her focus.  _Damn she has a nice body and she’s good! Mental note, find out if she’s single and at least bi._ Lexa smirks at herself. _If she’s taken, find out if it’s serious._   _God I’m forward_.

Clearing her throat and getting her thought process back to the task at hand she addresses Clarke. “Now that we’re warmed up and you’ve got your juices flowing, let’s spar.  Would you like to kickbox regulation style?” She asks. 

“Yeah, I’d love to. I can only dream to rank amateur and compete someday.” She sighs, feeling her dream is already far out of her reach in this life.

“Well so far the form and power you show is amazing.  Let’s check out your sparring.” She hesitates before looking at Clarke seriously, “Hey, it could happen if you want it bad enough. If you’re really serious and dedicated, I can help.  It would require some sacrificing though.”

“That would be amazing. Yes please, I’ll even pay extra!” Clarke’s tone was excited and hopeful that maybe one day her dream could actually come true.

Lexa smiles, adoring the blonde’s enthusiasm.  “No extra. Besides, if I can get you to amateur, then from there I’d get a bonus commission on your competitions anyway.” She says it jokingly but that doesn’t make it any less true. “So really it would be win-win for the both of us. But again, to be completely serious, when I said sacrifices, I didn’t mean money.”

“What did you mean then? Hard work of course, but I’m no stranger to that!” Clarke’s face is set in determination. A look that suits her as far as Lexa’s concerned.

“Lots of hard work, lots of training,” she ticks off the list on her fingers, “you’ll be living, breathing and eating your way to the top.  And most of all, not getting cocky on the climb up.”  Lexa levels her with a playful glare.

“No worries there, I have low self esteem…” Clarke mutters softly but Lexa hears her anyway.

“Then I’ll fix that because from what I see, there’s no reason for it.”

Both girls smile and head to the ring with their gear. Lexa paces herself for the first few minutes, throwing light jabs and kicks as she assesses the blonde’s moves. Seeing that she has more experience and training than she previously let on, Lexa decides it’s time to up the game a little.

Right as Clarke lands her leg from a front kick, Lexa quickly spins and lowers her body, trying to sweep her leg. She’s pleasantly surprised when Clarke not only raises her leg quickly to avoid the sweep, but as Lexa is turning to stand back up, Clarke does a dive and roll to the side of her and ends up on Lexa’s left and lands a solid kick to her side, knocking her back a few steps.

Lexa grins and pulls her mouth guard out, “Nice work, Griffin, I’m impressed. I almost always catch people off guard with that move when we’re starting out.”

Clarke pulls her mouthpiece out also and bites her lip, “I used to really enjoy competing and always wanted to learn various styles and…” she sighs out a long breath and shrugs, trying to read Lexa’s expression.

“I think you’re holding out on me,” Lexa raises her eyebrow and pops her mouthpiece back in.

“I’d rather start from scratch than appear like a know it all with a new trainer. There’s a lot I don’t know and so much more I can learn, it’s easier this way with no expectations.” She too puts her mouth piece back in in preparation of another round.

The blonde’s words are serious and Lexa feels she’s speaking of more than just her martial arts ability. Filing the information away for later, she continues on with her new protégé.

 ~


	2. Struggles of the mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke dwells on her life - She and Lexa have a friend date.

**Struggles of the mind**

 

~

 

Clarke smiles as she unlocks her apartment door and steps inside. _I can’t wait until Thursday!_ Her smile doesn’t fade as she kicks off her shoes and tosses her gear to the side.

“So, how did it go?”  Bellamy asks, rounding the corner and hugging her.

“Oh, it was so invigorating and the instructor Lexa is amazing! We got along great!” Clarke’s voice and sparkling eyes tell of her excitement.

Bellamy smiles back warmly.  “I’m glad. It’s good to see that sparkle back in your eyes. I know you’ve missed competing.”

Clarke nods, sighing as she sinks into the chair.  “Yeah, I really have, but I’m not competing…yet. Thank you for setting all this up for me.”  She says appreciatively.

“No thanks needed, Clarke.  Oh, if you’re up for it, there’s a steamy hot bath ready for you, complete with candles.” He smiles sticking his hands into his jeans pockets shyly.

“Ohh that sounds wonderful, thank you.”  She gets up, heading to the washroom, slowing to kiss him gently in thanks.

“Um, wouldn’t want some company would you?”  He asks hopefully, though knowing what the answer inevitably will be.

“Oh, uhmm…” she bites her lip, frowning slightly knowing she is hurting him, and possibly angering him.

Before she can answer further, Bellamy raises both hands and backs away. “No pressure.  I’m gonna go watch the game.” He turns around and heads for the living room.

She smiles in relief and feels the need to apologize to him. “Bellamy…I’m sorry.” She smiles sadly as he stops and turns back to face her.

“Hey, don’t.  I shouldn’t have asked. Now go on before it gets cold.”

“Okay,” she bites her lip and sighs, “thanks.” She turns and makes her way into the warm bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Hearing the bathroom door click Bellamy turns on the TV and switches it over to ESPN to catch the end of the hockey game.  Toronto was winning.  He sits stiffly distracted in thought.  _Is this a lost cause? I’m her best friend. No, I’m her boyfriend…and her parents want us together.  Why can’t she see it’s what’s best?  Can’t she learn to love me? How can you know you won’t like what you haven’t ever tried?_   Shaking his head clear of his thoughts he adjusts his equipment and flips the station. _Thank god for the playboy channel._

 

~

 

The next few weeks seem to go by like a blur to Clarke.  All day every day she goes from balancing the Bent Steel website, to new membership accounts, to training with Lexa.  To put it simply, she is practically living, working and training all at the same place and she loves it.  She goes back to Bellamy’s apartment… _their apartment_ she mentally corrects herself, to sleep and eat and then she is off again.  She knows Bellamy misses her and wants her around more to work on “them” but she also knows he understands her desire and love to train and compete.  Working at the same place is just an added bonus for her.

For now, this is going to be her main focus.  Training and work.  She takes both seriously and she loves her job but not as much as she loves training. Training is her passion and has been since she was young. After a rough patch in her teen years, she thought for sure it was forever out of the question…and now, maybe it isn’t.

She doesn’t want to worry with relationship stuff right now. She is happy.  Well, almost happy.  Her personal life situation is always there, maybe not right up in front in her mind, but it was there nonetheless, hanging on in the background like an ominous looming presence she can’t shake.  She decides for now, she’ll just keep pushing it aside and work on her training. She wants to compete. She _needs_ to. Once that goal is accomplished and she knows where she stands, maybe then she’ll work on a relationship.

 _A relationship.  Don’t you mean the relationship you’re in?_ She thinks to herself, typing harder on the keyboard in front of her in frustration.  _I’m not going to deal with this right now_ she tells herself and back to work she continues.

 

~

 

Bellamy pulls into the First Bank of Rainy Springs parking lot. He sighs and climbs out of his car after a final glance at his hair in his side mirror.  He carries with him his recent contract portfolio and business plan, hoping to finally secure a loan for his own contracting business, ‘Blake’s On-Track Contracting’.

Strolling in with a nervous confidence he approaches the tellers.  Noticing two available choices, he choses the younger blonde over the older prude.  _She looks mean,_ he reasons to himself about the older woman before looking to the blonde.  _And she’s gorgeous._

The teller smiles at him as he approaches her counter, “Hi how can I help you today?”

“Hello,” he peeks at her nameplate, “Echo.  Who will I need to speak with regarding a business loan?” He flashes her a gorgeous and hopeful smile.

She smiles in return.  “That would be Mr. Perato, can I page him for you Mr…?”

“Oh, sorry,” he apologizes holding out his hand.  “Blake, Bellamy Blake,” they shake hands softly.  “And yes please.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Blake.” She nods, reaching for her phone.

“Please, call me Bellamy.  Mr. makes me seem old.” He chuckles, looking down to his boots.

“Well…” she draws the word out, “obviously you aren’t.”  She bites her lip and he blushes.  “I’ll page him for you now.”

Bellamy steps back so she can help some customers and is greeted a few minutes later by the loan officer.  “Mr. Perato, I’m Bellamy Blake.” 

“Pleasure Bellamy, let’s go to my office and see what we can do for you.”

 

~

 

Echo keeps glancing towards the loan office, but hasn’t seen Bellamy in nearly an hour.  _He was sweet.  I hope he gets some good news._   No sooner has the thought left her that she sees Bellamy step out of the office with an amazing smile.

“Good news I take it?”  Echo asks hoping to talk a bit more with this handsome stranger.

“Yes, I got the loan for my contracting business!” he exclaims excitedly, holding up a folder.

“Congratulations!” she grins, noticing his boyish glee at his success.

“Thanks. If not for you, I wouldn’t even have found the loan officer.” He jokes, clearly pleased.

Echo smirks and shakes her head.  “Come to me anytime and I’ll point you in the right direction.” She flirts, hoping he picks up on it. She takes notice that he isn’t wearing a wedding band.

Bellamy grins back, “Duly noted.  Maybe I’ll see you around?”

“Count on it.  Maybe you can design my house.” 

“Deal.” He replies, flashing another smile and strolling out of the bank.

 

~

 

Clarke sighs, leaning back in her office chair. She thinks on the past few weeks as she has been contemplating her relationship with Bellamy. She knows she is by far not an ideal girlfriend.  She doesn’t have sex with him and barely even kisses him.  She knows she is pulling away yet glad he is there.  “Am I using him?” She mutters to herself and frowns. _Yeah, as a safety net_ …her mind answers for her.  She scratches at her head, shaking it and continues to input the new memberships before her shift ends but her mind just keeps wandering.

“Why the frown, is the computer being mean again?”  Lexa jokes, walking into the office to clock out.

Clarke looks up, Lexa startling her back into focus.  “Oh, no…yes, I mean no…I um…” she blushes, knowing she is caught. Again.

Lexa hesitates briefly then sits down beside her trainee and new best friend. She’s gotten to know Clarke quite well in the last few weeks and she adores the girl, finding herself getting close to her very quickly, despite her usually reserved nature with people. Spinning Clarke’s chair to face her she drops her hands down to rest on the girls’ knees and looks her dead in the eyes. “Where do you go when you zone out, Clarke?”

Clarke sighs, leaning back and shrugging her shoulders.  “I don’t know.”

Lexa studies her before replying, “I think you do, but you don’t want to talk about it. Right?”

Biting her lip, Clarke grants her a half smile.  “Actually I need to…but it’s just more Bellamy drama.” She shrugs again, sitting up straighter, “But not now and not here.” She releases a breath and stands up.

Lexa stands with her, “And not with me.”  She smiles sadly, almost dejectedly, but trying not to let it show.

“No, actually _with_ you.” Clarke grins, touching Lexa’s arm softly.  “That is, if you don’t mind me unloading on you and then begging for advice.” She laughs softly. “Really though, all kidding aside, you’re my closest friend here” she hesitates before softly adding “my best friend.” Biting her lip, she continues on, “It would do me some good but I just don’t want to scare you off…”

Lexa blushes, allowing her lips to twitch up into a smile.  “Well thank you and likewise, but nothing you will tell me can scare me off from being your friend.”

She opens her locker and grabs her bag and slings it over her shoulder. “You can unload all boyfriend and any other drama on me. I really don’t mind. You haven’t told me much about Bellamy and I’ve only met him twice before but I’m willing to help in any way that I can.”  She smiles at the sad but beautiful blonde before stepping forward and pulling her into gentle hug.

Pulling back she punches Clarke lightly on the shoulder trying to lighten the mood. “So, it’s Friday night.  Have any plans?”

Clarke shakes her head no and waits for whatever Lexa has in mind.

“Great then, let me go hit the showers, and we’ll head out. We can grab some takeout, then head to my place to talk, find something to watch on Netflix and pig out. Would that sound okay to you?” She asks as she reaches inside her locker, grabbing a change of clothes.

“That sounds great,” she leans over to shut down the computer and turns to follow Lexa out not bothering to filter her thoughts.  “You know, sometimes I think you’re too good to be true. You’re an amazing person,” she smiles shyly, “and friend.”

Lexa drapes her arm over Clarke’s shoulders, feeling warmth at the contact and gives her a squeeze before lowering her voice just above a whisper. “Yeah? Well, you should see me as a lover…” She leaves Clarke hanging with that thought, throwing a devilish grin over her shoulder.  “See ya after my shower! Think about what you want to eat.”

Clarke’s mouth drops.  _See you as a lover then think about what I want to eat? Is she serious?_ She giggles to herself; rolling her eyes at how quickly her train of thought went south about the brunette wonders off to chat with Raven and Lincoln.

Lexa finishes showering quickly, knowing the blonde is waiting. Coming out of the locker room she sees Clarke helping a young boy from the youth class with his sidekicks. As the class gathers together to finish, Clarke smiles and waves the boy to join the rest of his friends and turns to find Lexa watching her.

“Hey, that was quick. Have a nice shower?”  She asks picking up her bags and walking towards the wet haired trainer.

“Yeah, it was fun.” Lexa supplies as they walk out of the building and into the parking lot.

 _Fun?_ Clarke raises an eyebrow, wondering if she’s reading too much into the comment.

Lexa grins knowing she has the blonde racking her brain as to how her shower was ‘fun’. She knows she can be a tease and she can’t seem to help herself when it comes to Clarke. “So Clarke, my car is still in the shop, can we take yours? Or I can get us a cab.”

Clarke playfully swats her, “Don’t be stupid, we can take Jazz.” She see’s Lexa’s raised eyebrow but continues, “Besides I wouldn’t leave her here late without me being here anyway.” Pulling out her keys she walks around to unlock the passenger side for Lexa first, not noticing the adoring look she receives in doing so, too lost in thought once more.

She’s proud of her car. Her parents wouldn’t help her get it, saying it wasn’t practical for a girl her age so she worked all through high school to save enough money to get it herself; A Plum Crazy Purple ’69 Charger.

“Jazz? You have a name for your car?” Lexa laughs and climbs inside. “Dare I ask?”

Clarke laughs with her, starting up the engine as she closes her eyes hearing the powerful engine purr. She hums softly and turns to her friend, “Yeah, Jazz. Cause this car _is_ all that Jazz.” There’s a grin on her face but she’s serious with her words.

Lexa laughs with her admiring the mint condition of the car, still thinking about the thoughtfulness Clarke displayed by unlocking and opening her door for her. The blonde didn’t even seem to think about it; it was second nature. “So, we can swing by that Chinese place that you like…unless you’d like something else tonight?”  Lexa offers eager to see her smile.  “Either way, it’s my treat.”

“That’s sweet Lex but I want to pitch in.  After all we are going to your place-“

“-And taking _your_ car and I’m making _you_ pick what we watch.” Lexa finishes raising an eyebrow in challenge. “Deal?”

“Deal.” Clarke surrenders.  “So let’s get-“ she’s cut off by the sound of a phone ringing.

“Oh sorry, that’s mine.”  Lexa grabs her phone flashing an apologetic smile.

“Well then answer it!” Clarke waves off her apology and parks her car and quietly whispering “be right back” as she hops out to run into the store.

“Whoever this is, it better be good.”  Lexa huffs as she answers her phone while her eyes follow Clarke through the store window.

“ _Sexy Lexy!”_ The voice on the line calls out. 

Lexa chuckles and rolls her eyes at her nickname from her lifelong friend. “Hey Echo, what’s up?”

 _“Well I was wondering if I could stop by and borrow some vinyl…and I need to tell you about super sweet and good looking guy I met today!”_ She rushes out.

“Well sure.  Clarke is coming over to hang and watch a movie.  You’re welcome to join us if you want…” she leaves the invite open, yet secretly hoping for a little one on one time with Clarke that was outside the training center.

“ _Oh well I don’t want to intrude on a possible smooch-fest,”_ Echo teases, _“so I’ll be quick.”_

“Clarke’s a friend.  A hot and very tempting friend, but a friend.”  Lexa smiles as Clarke makes her way back to the car.

“ _Yeah, friend. For now.  Anyway I’ll be by in 20.  See ya!”_

“Later.” Lexa ends the call and turns to Clarke, “So you’re going to meet Echo tonight.”

“Oh, great.” Clarke smiles a friendly yet slightly disappointed smile in which she hopes Lexa doesn’t see.  She just really needs to talk with her best friend alone tonight.

“Yeah but don’t worry, it’ll be brief.  She just wants to nab some of my vinyl and gossip about some guy.” She wants to reassure her as she did in fact notice Clarke’s fleeting moment of disappointment. _Or maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part…_ Lexa thinks.

“Okay, sounds good. I look forward to meeting your friend. Who knows, maybe she’ll have some dirt on you to share with me.”  She teases before pulling into the restaurant parking lot. “I called in the food while I was in the store grabbing alcohol.” She added, changing the subject.

“Dirt huh?  Well I might show you my dirty side someday.”  Lexa teases, getting out to go grab the food, “Be right back.”

Clarke sits slightly baffled.  _Is she flirting with me?  Or maybe she’s just trying to make me squirm…or both?_ “Both” she says aloud, feeling more than okay with the situation.

~


	3. Getting to know you, it's easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friend date with Clarke and Lexa :)

**Getting to know you, it’s easy**

 

~

 

“Okay so this is my place.” Lexa says as they enter her rather nice apartment. She turns on the lights and walks into her kitchen to sit the food down on the table. She watches as Clarke glanced around at her surroundings. 

“So, what do you think? She asks, joining Clarke in the living room.

“It’s awesome, Lex, I love it.  It’s very modern.  I love the black and green theme; very clean lines.” She keeps looking around in awe.

“Thank you. You seem to have an eye for art.” Seeing Clarke shrug she decides not to push the issue and changes the direction of the conversation, “If you want I can dish out the food and bring it in here.  That is, if you don’t mind eating on the coffee table.”

“Not a problem, whatever is okay with you, but maybe we can turn on some music while we eat and talk?” Clarke asks politely but has her attention caught by the computer in the corner before Lexa can answer.  “iMac huh? Looks fairly new.”

Lexa laughs nodding, “Do you approve?”

Clarke nods and chuckles.  “I most certainly do. I love them.” Her voice lowers softly, but Lexa hears her regardless, “Great for art.”

A loud buzzing interrupts them.

Clarke and Lexa both look towards the door and Lexa makes her way over to the intercom. “That will be Echo,” she replies, pushing the button, “Is that you Echo?”

“ _Yes it’s me, how many other friends do you have_?” The voice teases her.

“Right.” Lexa thinks on it and nods, “Two and the other one is here.” She smiles at Clarke and presses the buzzer to unlock the door downstairs.  “Come on up.”

A second later Echo is walking through the door. “Hey lady face”-she smiles and notices Clarke eying her, “lady faces! Hi I’m Echo!” She walks over and excitedly shakes Clarke’s hand.

“Nice to meet you, Echo. I’m Clarke.” She returns the handshake firmly.

“Mmm nice grip.” Echo nods and winks over at Lexa before turning back and crossing the room to dig through Lexa’s collection of vinyl records near her turntable. Motioning Lexa over with a tilt of her head, she waits until her friend approaches before whispering, “She is a hottie!”

Lexa blushes, biting her lip and looks to Clarke to see if she heard. She apparently did but only raises her eyebrow and smirks at them.  “I’ll just go get the food ready,” Clarke tells her, still smiling. “You two take your time.”

As soon as Clarke is in the kitchen Echo gushes, “Oh my god Lex, I met this gorgeous guy at the bank!”

“Oh yeah?” Lexa rolls her eyes, hearing this same announcement multiple times per month. “What was his name, Mr. Hottie?”

“Hey. Most are but we actually carried on a conversation and I got his name too! Full name even. Bellamy Blake, so there!” She sticks her tongue out then continues on, “And, this one wasn’t even wearing a ring!”

Lexa smiles at her exuberant friend and subtly turns to see if Clarke heard her boyfriend’s name mentioned before focusing back on Echo. “Well good for you! Definitely keep me updated.” Lowering her voice and stepping close to Echo she whispers, “Just don’t mention guys too much around Clarke, okay? She’s kind of…” she hesitates, thinking on how best to word it without breaking Clarke’s trust, “off with hers right now. Sore subject.”

“Oh no problem!  Lips sealed.” Grabbing her purse and the records she chose to borrow she walks towards the door. “Well, gotta run now.  It was nice to meet you Clarke!” She calls out, “You two have fun and stay outta trouble!” Throwing out a wink she leaves.

“She’s animated.” Clarke laughs from behind Lexa, watching her latch the lock on her door.

“Oh yeah, and this was mild.” Lexa grins back. “You don’t want to see her at warp speed.”

 

~

 

The Chinese dinner aside, Clarke and Lexa sit on the couch facing each other, sipping on a couple beers. There’s a silence between them, but it isn’t an uncomfortable one. Lexa finds she could possibly sit here and admire the blonde all night, but knows she needs to talk.

“So, tell me what’s been on your mind.” Lexa prods gently.  “I won’t judge, no matter what.”

Clarke smiles sweetly. “Thanks. It’s really a long story…but, in a nutshell, some things from the past are really starting to affect my future. Affect me. The thing is, it’s part of me and who I am and I can’t change that. It’s just dealing with it that’s the problem.” She huffs, running a hand through her hair in slight agitation. “It’s a problem for me and people around me and hell, even those not around me; my family that is.”

Lexa thinks for a moment.  “So…this somehow has something to do with Bellamy?”  She asks, her confusion showing.

“Tell you what, get me another beer and hopefully I’ll have the courage to spill it all out.” She eyes Lexa, the worry showing in her blue eyes, but she feels less anxious than she thought she would at the soft green eyes looking back at her.

“Sure thing, but whatever it is, I’ll help in any way I can. Even if it’s just to listen.” Lexa smiles reassuringly, getting up to grab them another round before sitting back down, a bit closer than before and handing her another bottle.

 

~

 

“Wow.” Lexa sighs, her own frustration leaking out.  “I thought I was the only one with a colourful past. They seriously kicked out an amazing martial artist, with a **ton** of potential, I might add, because of a girl?” 

“Yep, but see, I was almost 18. She was 16 and in a small town being gay or even bi is ‘evil’. I’m not considered ‘normal’. Clarke shrugs as if she’s resigned to this notion.

“That’s discrimination.” Lexa grits her teeth.

“Yeah well, it happened,” Clarke huffs, “I lost my best friend, my first possible girlfriend, karate _and_ got shit on with rumours all at once. My parents freaked of course and cast me out like an abomination.” She gulps down the last of her beer. 

“Bellamy was my best friend at the time, through it all. I just…it just sorta worked out I guess. I cared for him, so we got together. The rumours stopped and things got easier. He loves me and once we were together we stayed together. I guess it was sort of an easy out and a bad excuse and reason on my part, but I felt so close with him that I thought I could learn to love him and hoped I could change…for myself and my family.” Clarke looks down, picking at a thread on her jeans.

“Wow, so you two have been together a long time then?”

“Yeah,” Clarke nods, “he had moved here with his contracting so it was a long distance thing for a while and so I came to get away from back home. I wanted to try and start over. And I’m still…” she sighs, lowering her head into her hands.

“Confused?” Lexa questions softly.

“Sort of. Yes. No, not really. Arghh!” She grabs at a pillow, pulling it over her face.

“So Bellamy knows, right? That you’re at least bi?” Lexa asks.

“No. Well yes. Basically.” She laughs at herself, shaking her head, “Boy I’m a case! He knows that my first love was female and that I’ve never been with a man before. He also knows that I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be.” She blushes, looking down at her hands.

“Never been with a man except Bellamy, or…”

“No, actually never. Not once. I feel like I’d be lying to myself…dirty. I mean don’t get me wrong, Bellamy is a great guy, and super sweet and I love him. I just, I’m not ‘in love’ with him. Is that horrible of me?” Clarke asks, needing her honest opinion.

“No, not at all. He’s an amazing friend and confidant and has been there and supportive of you. You grew up together.” She hesitates, considering her next words carefully, “It just…Clarke it just sounds like you’re maybe trying to make it work for him, so that you don’t hurt him, but you need to think about you and what makes you happy. Think about what would be best for you in the long run.”

“Wow Lex you’re getting all insightful on me!” Clarke tries to joke, knowing Lexa isn’t wrong but not sure how to address it. Instead she focuses on the slight buzz from the alcohol coursing through her veins and swats at Lexa’s shoulder playfully.

Lexa smiles back but catches her arm, “Yes, but I’m serious too. And I’m here for you, Clarke.” She doesn’t let go of Clarke’s eyes once they settle on her own, hoping the blonde can see the sincerity that she feels.

“Thank you. Bellamy is great, but he can be a little…forward, I guess is the word. And sometimes hurtful. He’s always telling me what is right and what I should do-how it would make my family happy. I feel guilty for not wanting to go with what they want and expect from me, but I feel angry they can’t seem to accept me if it turns out the other way…”

Lexa pulls at the arm she still holds in her own and when Clarke falls toward her, she hugs her into her arms snugly. “I think you’re too worried about making them happy or proud of you, when they won’t be unless you do what _they_ expect.  It’s your life and you only get one. Do you really want to live it for others and be depressed the entire time?”

Clarke shakes her head, feeling the truth in the words. She knows Lexa is right, she feels it and the relief that comes from hearing someone on her side for once lightens the tension she feels in her chest. She sighs and pulls back from the warm hug, giving the brunette a smile and nods her head, showing she understands.

Trying to lighten the mood Lexa smacks her leg softly and tilts her head towards the TV, “So, how about that movie?”

 

~

 

The light from the Netflix home screen wakes Clarke from a light slumber. Opening her eyes slowly, she focuses on her surroundings. The room is dark except for the light from Lexa’s TV. _Lexa_ she thinks and then realizes where she, or rather her body, is.

She remembers starting the movie, sitting on the couch near Lexa. She also remembers them giggling and grabbing onto one another during the scary scenes. Now awake, she realizes she is curled up with her head resting on Lexa’s chest and Lexa has her arm around her shoulders. _How did we get like this? I should move…_ Hearing Lexa’s sigh and her soft breathing makes her hesitate. _This feels so good, but I shouldn’t...but she does flirt and she even said she is an out lesbian. Although, I already knew that…_ she bites her lip and snuggles into Lexa a bit more, her mind recalling the rest of their conversation before the movie.

 

_< “So now that I’ve shared my inner demons, let’s hear some of yours.” Clarke says softly._

_“Some of mine? Hmmm well, I think you know the basics, so I’ll just jump right in.” She pauses a moment and then looks at Clarke. “I’m 24, a Capricorn and I moved here to Rainy Springs 6 months ago. Before that I lived in Boulder where I grew up. When I was 18 I was involved with a woman. For the sake of labels, which I hate by the way, I’m a lesbian.” She hesitates, waiting for Clarke’s reaction._

_Clarke smiles and squeezes her hand. “I know. Raven actually confirmed my suspicions.”_

_Lexa grins back. **So she has been asking about me** … “Okay good, so moving on. We were together for a year when she told me she was pregnant. I was broken, to say the least. I mean, that meant she had cheated on me. Later I found out it was an old family friend of her family’s, who had a brain tumor. He died before the baby was born. We broke up because I couldn’t deal with her cheating but, I did get visitation with Jaiden and ended up raising her for a year while Costia, that’s my ex, went away to study.”_

_Lexa got a far away look in her eye, seemingly lost in thought. “She’s like a daughter to me.” She stops, shaking her head, “No, she is my daughter.”_

_Clarke sits in silence for a moment.  “Wow.”_

_“Yeah. Um, Costia lives an hour from here and I get Jaiden every other weekend and during the summer.” She sits quietly letting Clarke soak it all in and waiting for the question she knows is going to be asked. She isn’t wrong._

_“So you and…Costia, you’re just friends with a daughter?” Clarke clarifies._

_“Yes and nothing more. We barely even talk unless it concerns Jaiden.” Lexa tucks her hair behind her ears._

_“What about Costia’s family?” Clarke questions._

_Lexa shrugs, “Dead or who knows where. She has a spread out family that never stays in touch. It was rough on her growing up after her parents died when she was 17 in a plane crash. Her grandparents had passed before that. She doesn’t know her aunts and uncles, or even where they are.”_

_“Damn,” Clarke sighs, “I couldn’t imagine. So Jaiden is five now?”_

_“Yes.” Lexa beams and points behind Clarke, “See that picture on the wall behind you? That’s us, right before I moved here.”_

_“Oh wow, she’s beautiful.” Clarke gushes as she turns in her seat to look at the picture._

_“She is.” Lexa beams proudly, “Sharp as a whip and very well mannered.”_

_“Just like you.”_

_Lexa lowers her eyes slightly, almost looking bashful. “So now that we know each other’s deepest secrets, how about that movie?”_

_“Sure thing. I just hope you don’t mind that I’m a horror movie freak!” Clarke grins, cocking an eyebrow._

_Lexa only smiles and shakes her head, shuffling a little closer. “Not at all.” >_

 

~

 

 _And here I end up curled into her, sleeping on her chest with her arm around me._ Clarke thinks, feeling the slightly anxious yet excited feeling one gets when they’re nervous but happy. She can’t help the smile she feels or the warmth spreading to her cheeks.

And then her phone decides to ring.

Clarke and Lexa both jump, startling at the noise.  Lexa rubs and blinks her heavy eyes looking at Clarke as she sits up, looking around her.

“It’s mine.” Clarke states and reaches for her phone just as it stops ringing. “It was Bellamy.” She huffs, looking at the clock that reads 2:12 am.

“Oh geeze, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to fall asleep and keep you out so late.” Lexa apologizes; worry causing her brow to crease. 

“Stop,” Clarke playfully chastises, “you didn’t keep me. I want to be here, Lexa. Honestly, it just sucks that I was sleeping so well and now I have to drive home.”

“You can crash here,” Lexa is quick to offer before her thoughts catch up with her mouth, “unless you think Bellamy will mind or if you just don’t want to.”

“Actually, I’d like that,“ Clarke smiles, “Just let me call him so he doesn’t keep calling and interrupting.” She stands and spins around the couch, walking a few feet away.

 _What did she mean by ‘interrupting’?_   Lexa wonders.  _Interrupting what?_ Mentally shrugging, she can’t help but overhear part of Clarke’s side of the conversation.

-“Yeah I’m just tired and Lexa said I could crash here.”

-“I’m not sure, I’ll let you know.”

-“Okay…yeah, bye.”

 

~

 


	4. Everything that drifts, finds its way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little more Jaiden in this one. I love her. She's adorable. Clarke adores her too...
> 
> Bellamy is getting a little irked as you'll see. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad you guys are liking this since I know it's quite different than Understanding. And for those of you that are reading and waiting for an update for Understanding, it is coming, I promise! I just have to perfect it. It's my Clexa baby so...yeah. :)

**Everything that drifts, finds its way**

 

~ 

She’s drifting. He knows it and he’s pretty sure she does too. The question that is plaguing his mind is…does she have any intention of working her way back to him?

Bellamy sighs leaning against his car.  Clarke has been working all week and when she isn’t, she’s training non-stop with Lexa for an upcoming competition.  He’s proud of her, he really is. The worst thing about it is that he really doesn’t know if she misses him at all.

Once again she has called to cancel a lunch saying she has a lot of work to catch up on. She apologized, sure, but she always seems to be doing that a lot lately. Walking into the café, he sits down to order a coffee and bagel.  He’s so lost in his thoughts he doesn’t notice Raven walking in and heading over to him.

“Bell!” she exclaims with a smile coming to stand by his table.

“Hey Raven, how’s it going?” He returns her friendly smile. They’ve always gotten along since meeting months ago. He enjoys her sarcastic nature.

“Not bad. Finally got caught up and decided to take my lunch break.”

He nods recalling what Clarke had told him earlier, “Yeah Clarke said you guys were pretty busy,” he sips his coffee, deciding it needs more sugar.

“Only this morning, but once they do their work they just have classes to instruct or cleaning to do while I get all the paperwork and accounting logged; you know, the boring shit. Are they joining you?” she asks raising an eyebrow and takes a quick look towards the door.

“Who?” he asks.

“Um, Clarke and Lexa? They left just a few before me run some errands and get some lunch.” Raven tenses at the look that takes over his face. Something’s wrong.

“Oh, no. Not today. Hey, I gotta get back to work. It was great seeing you though.  Take care.” He hurries through the pleasantries and gives her a forced smile before dropping a few bills on the table as a tip and takes off.

His coffee is still full and the bagel untouched.

 

~

 

Bellamy is hurt and angry. Scratch that, he’s just angry.  _If she had lunch plans, she only had to tell me not lie about being busy at work._ He’s almost to his truck when he hears a woman call out, “Hey stranger.”  He turns and lets a flirty grin take over his scowl. 

“Echo, right?” he asks, turning to lean against his truck.

“That’s right! You remembered.” She throws a gorgeous smile at him.  “No one usually recalls a teller from the bank, you know, unless they’re pissed at them.”

Bellamy laughs, “Well some tellers aren’t beautiful young women.” He’s openly flirting, but figures he deserves a little interaction from someone who wants his time.

Echo bites on her lip, fighting back a grin, “Well I don’t want to keep you, just wanted to say hi and see how the new business is going.”

“It’s great and I’m glad you did. Are you picking up lunch?”  He asks, seeing she had come from one of the diners.

“Yeah actually, I um, I guess I better get back before the food gets cold; four blocks to go. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime?” She starts down the sidewalk as he calls out for her attention.

“Hey, wait.”

She turns back, “Yeah?”

“Come on, let me give you a lift.” He runs around to his passenger door and opens it up. “I insist,” he finishes before she can protest.

She nods accepting and makes her way over. “Okay then. Thank you, Bellamy. I’m glad I didn’t drive today.”

 

~

 

“Come on kiddo, get changed so we can go home!”  Lexa calls into the girls changing room, hearing Jaiden giggling with another girl. She smiles and sighs to herself.  These weekend visits didn’t come soon enough and they were over way too quickly for her liking.

“Coming Momma,” the little girl squeals as she bounds out of the locker room with her playmate at her side. Lexa kneels down and buttons up the girl’s winter jacket. It may be early February and the weather getting milder, but the wind is still sharp and cold. “I thought we gonna stay later?” Jaiden asks.

“Well, I had a training session with one of my friends, but I don’t want you getting bored and wondering around alone.” She smiles and taps her nose.

“Oh, so what’s your friend gonna do?” She wipes a blonde curl off her forehead looking puzzled. “Does she gotsta train by herself?”

Lexa smiles at the five year old and shakes her head, “No, she doesn’t _have_ to train by herself. She just gets half a day off now to enjoy.”

“Some enjoyment!” Clarke chimes in, overhearing their conversation as she walks out of the office smiling. “I have no work to catch up on and there is no fun to be had here.”

Lexa grins back at her friend. “Clarke, I’d like you to meet little Miss Jaiden Collins. Jaiden, this is my best friend Clarke.”

Jaiden blushes and holds out her small hand to Clarke who grins and squats down to shake the small hand in hers. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Jaiden.”

“You too. My mommy says you’re real nice.” She curls her little index finger and waves Clarke closer to her. When Clarke is next to her, Jaiden cups her hand around her mouth and whispers in the blonde’s ear, “and very pretty.” 

Clarke blushes at this and chuckles, “Why thank you. You are absolutely beautiful.”  Jaiden beams at the compliment and turns to Lexa.

“Can Clarke come home with us and play?”

Lexa laughs softly. “Well Jai, that’s up to her and depends on if she has other plans or not.”

Jaiden turns her attention back to Clarke and smiles hopefully, clasping her little hands in front of her. “Do ya have plans?”

Clarke can’t help but grin at the idea of a day with Lexa and her daughter. It sounds like a terrific time. “Well, since it’s alright with your mommy, I’d love to.” Jaiden’s smile takes over her whole face as she grabs for Clarke’s hand before reaching for Lexa’s with the other.

“YAY! Let’s go!” Clarke, Lexa and Jaiden walk out smiling and laughing. Their next destination is to Lexa’s place.

 

~

 

Two hours into her visit, Clarke pulls Lexa aside as Jaiden watches some cartoons. She doesn’t want to leave, but she feels as if she’s intruding on some precious time of theirs. The last thing she wants is for Lexa to humor her when she could have the time with her daughter alone. 

“Hey, should I go? Part of me feels like I’m intruding and that’s the last thing I want to do. I know your time with her is precious.” Clarke approaches Lexa who is pouring them some tea, taking the cup she’s handed.

Lexa shakes her head, sitting the sugar on the table with a spoon. “Well, you aren’t.  We love having you here.  Anytime.” She pauses before asking, “What does the other part of you feel?”

Clarke let out a shy smile and bites her lip that sends delicious chills through Lexa.  “The other part says this feels really good and I’m having a great time.”

“Good. Then there will be no arguments about you staying for dinner.” Lexa crossed her arms in determination, raising her eyebrow challengingly.

Clarke places her mug down and put her hands up, “No arguments here as long as Jaiden doesn’t mind.” She says glancing at the darker blonde watching her cartoons.

“Jaiden doesn’t mind!” her little voice calls out from her spot on the couch.

Lexa smirks at her daughter. “You little eavesdropper!” she laughs and runs to grab Jaiden from behind the couch, tickling her.

Clarke laughs with them as she watches the interaction fondly and with envy. She has always wanted children, but right now things are too up in the air, not to mention complicated between her inner battle with herself, work and then training.  And then there is Bellamy. _Bellamy._ “Shit…” she curses under her breath so Jaiden doesn’t hear her, but Lexa does and walks back around to her.

“Is everything okay?” She asks and places her hand lightly on Clarke’s arm.

“Yeah, I just remembered I should make a quick call.” She gestures towards her cell on the table.

“No problem. Take your time and I’ll go keep my rug rat entertained.”

Clarke nods and turns to grab her phone. She then steps out onto Lexa’s balcony, taking a deep breath of the crisp cool air. It’s brisk, but feels good. She quickly dials Bellamy’s number, secretly hoping for his voicemail.  No such luck.

“Hey gorgeous, done training? I’ve been waiting for your call, I made us dinner reservations.” His voice sounds off, but then, is she really able to judge lately?

“Bell,” she starts and exhales her sigh. “You didn’t say anything about dinner tonight or reservations.” Her heart sinks. She doesn’t want to be put into the position to choose because either she’ll hurt herself, or upset him. She can’t win. 

“So what, I can’t make plans to surprise my girlfriend and have some alone time?”  His voice is agitated, that much she can tell. “I’ve barely seen you this past month, not to mention you cancel on me a lot.”

“Bell, I’m sorry. I promised Jaiden I’d have dinner with her and Lexa. I can’t break a five year olds’ heart.” Her explanation is spoken softly hoping he will understand.

“You know, I consider myself a pretty sweet and understanding guy, but you keep having other commitments and make none with me. What’s going on Clarke?” There’s an edge to his voice and she’s heard it before.

“Nothing, I just like doing things with new friends and enjoying life right now!” she exclaims, unable to pull back her emotions.

“Am I a part of that anymore?” he probes, determined to get an answer.

“Of course you are.” She swallows hard. She’s not lying; she just can’t say what part he plays in her life other than that of her friend. A friend that used to be supportive, until it turned into an advantage for their lives and now…well; now here they are.

“Yeah well, enjoy your night. I’ll call a buddy. Reservations at The Hilt are made at least two months in advance and I won’t let them go to waste.” The words are spit out, bitterness leaking through the line.

“Bellamy really, I’m sorry. I just don’t want to crush a kid and screw up more than I already am. I’ll make us reservations for next time, okay?” She feels an edge in herself she hasn’t felt in years. Fight or flight. It’s too soon to tell, but the anxiety in her chest let’s her know she needs to prepare.

“Sure, no problem. Really, enjoy your night, but since I’ll be out with the guys, don’t wait up.” He’s hoping to get some acknowledgement from her, a sign of something.

“Okay Bell, have fun but be safe. Goodnight.” Clarke’s voice is soft and apologetic, but not good enough.

“You too. Oh, and Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“Happy Anniversary.” He says and hangs up the phone before she can respond.

 

~

 

He’s mad and he’s hurt. Two things he doesn’t like to feel, but the only emotions he seems to get lately when it comes to Clarke. It wasn’t always this way. 

She forgot. Does she even care? Obviously she doesn’t or at least not enough to remember. They’ve been dating off and on for five years with this last year being official and exclusive as a couple and she actually forgets their one-year anniversary. _I’m sick of being the sweet guy. I haven’t pressured her for sex. Dammit!_   He roughly grabs at his jacket and keys, slamming the apartment door on his way out.

He drives for nearly an hour with no luck reaching his buddies. Turning into the coffee shop parking lot he pulls over and reaches for his phone to cancel the reservations. Just as he is about to dial, he notices Echo walking into a store across the street. _She blew me off, why shouldn’t I have a good evening and enjoy my dinner reservations with someone who seems interested?  I’m not married!_  

Moving his truck into the next lot, he parks and shut off his ignition.  _Hopefully my instincts are right. Here goes nothing._   He walks into the store and spots her right away. _Echo._

Running his hand through his hair, Bellamy casually walks through the aisles of incense making his way towards the radiant woman.  Straightening his leather jacket he comes up behind her slowly, “Hey there stranger,” he flashes a smile when she turned to face him.

“Bellamy! Hey you, what’s going on?” She grins back at him, happy to see him.

“Not much really, just bored on a Friday night so I stopped in.” He blushes, all his confidence starting to slip away wondering if he seems as pathetic as he’s currently feeling.

“Yeah, me too. Guess I seem pathetic huh? Alone on a Friday night.” She laughs, but is secretly hoping he’ll deny it.

“Well, it’s your lucky night then.” He steps closer, stuffing his hands into his pockets, trying to look innocent yet expecting her to question him.

“Lucky night huh?” She licks her lip seductively; giving him a once over and making him blush.

He shrugs and dips his head slightly, “Yeah, see, a few months back I made reservations at The Hilt with hopes to have a great evening with a wonderful woman. So, if you’re game, I’d be honored to have you join me.”  He holds his breath, waiting on her reaction.

Echo is caught off guard. She’s surprised yet delighted at this turn of events.  “Oh god, The Hilt? But that’s so expensive…” she ponders before gazing at him curiously. “Did you book on a random chance, or have you since broken up with someone and forgot you had reservations?

She’s observant and not a fool, he likes that. He also likes that she calls him out on it. “It’s been months coming honestly, and I really did hope to find someone willing to spend the evening with me. I don’t want to go alone and I think you’ll be amazing company.”

Echo blushes, falling into his charm and boyish smile. _Is this guy for real?  What’s the catch?_ She wonders.

“There’s just one catch,” he says as if reading her mind, “I pay and take you for coffee one day next week.”

She nods and smiles back, “You’re on Mr. Blake.” Putting down the item she was planning to buy, she instead grabs him by the jacket and pulls him towards the door.

 

~

 

Walking back in off the patio, Clarke closes the sliding door with a soft click.  She walks through the dining room, hearing the soft voices in the living area. Hesitating just inside the room, she leans against the wall quietly so as not to disturb their conversation.

“So is Clarke your new girlfriend?” She hears Jaiden ask Lexa and her eyes go wide. She strains her ears to hear Lexa’s soft and relaxed voice and swears she hears a sigh.

“No sweetie, she isn’t. She has a boyfriend.” Lexa replies, tucking her daughter’s hair behind her ear. “She is the best friend I’ve ever had though and she’s super nice.”

“And pretty!” The girl exclaims grinning. “Right?  Dontcha think so Mommy?”

Lexa smiles and looks back towards the hall spotting Clarke listening to them. She holds blue eyes captive while answering her daughter, never letting her gaze into the blonde’s eyes waver, “Yes, I think she’s absolutely beautiful.”

Clarke wonders if she’ll end up biting through her lip for all the times she finds herself doing just that at Lexa’s presence and words. She pulls herself away from the wall to rejoin them. “You know, all these compliments can go to a girl’s head.” She plops down beside Jaiden, giving her a smile.

“Clarke!” Jaiden squeals, climbing onto her lap. “Are ya all done your phone call?”  She asks twirling a strand of the older blonde’s hair around her tiny finger.

With a short guilty look she tries to quickly hide before a forcing a smile she replies, “Yep squirt, I sure am. So what’s the plan?”

“Well-“ Jaiden starts.

“First a little dirty monkey of mine is going to go bath while I work on dinner.” Lexa finishes for her.

“Oh Momma, do I hafta?” The little blue-eyed girl pouts clinging onto Clarke.

“Yes ma’am or no dessert!” Lexa threatens her in a teasing tone.

Jaiden scrambles off of Clarke’s lap and runs into the washroom shutting the door.  “Jaiden…” Lexa calls and waits. A head pops out and smiles before muttering “Oh yeah…” before running down the hall.

Clarke looks at Lexa puzzled. The brunette just smirks at her as Jaiden comes running back with nightclothes in her tiny arms. “Don’t forget the monitor Jai.”

“Yes ma’am!” She salutes and into the washroom she goes.

“Wow, she bathes herself?” Clarke asks, impressed.

“Yes, she loves to bathe and is great about it,” she pauses “except when company is here.” Shrugging she carries on, “There’s a hot guard on the tub and we turn on the monitor incase she needs anything in between me checking on her. She also has a line on the tub so that she knows not to let it fill over that line…and I still listen at the door every few minutes in between me checking on her for real.” She blushes, “Guilty mom.”

Clarke stares at her in awe. _How does such a perfect woman exist?_ “That’s great.  And a great idea for precautions while letting her be self-sufficient.  I’m sure she feels like the biggest girl!”

“Thanks, we think so. It gives her confidence and makes us both feel good. It also helps her learn to be independent without any chance to burn herself. And like I said, even with the monitor next to me I go listen at the door every few minutes just in case.” Shrugging again she lowers her head slightly but smiles, “I worry.”

“That’s a good thing Lexa, trust me. Some parents, unfortunately, just don’t care.” Clarke swallows and makes her way the last few steps to join Lexa in the kitchen. “So, can I help with dinner?” Clarke asks.

“Sure, but on one condition,” Lexa begins seriously.

“Okay…”

“Tell me what was up with the guilty look you had after your phone call?”

 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. As always, thank you so much for reading! I appreciate the support!


	5. We'll face it together, tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa bond, while Bellamy makes a decision of his own.  
> What a tangled web they're weaving...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one for now as I am working on Understanding.
> 
> You've all been wonderful with your feedback. I know they're both not being very honest and up front, but sometimes that happens in life. It'll all work out, just hang tight. :)

**We’ll face it together, tomorrow.**

 

~

 

Clarke looks at her, as if willing her not to ask the question. Lexa waits a few moments before giving her an out. “Look, you don’t have to tell me anything, but you can talk to me, Clarke.”

“I know…I just keep messing up.” Clarke pulls out a chair and plops down ungracefully. “Bellamy apparently made reservations at The Hilt for us tonight.”

Lexa raises her eyebrow, “Wow, um, so why…” She isn’t sure how to finish the sentence. Obviously if Clarke is here, she didn’t want to go or something else has happened.

“He made them months ago apparently. We decided a year ago to try out the officially “together” route, even though nothing has really changed at all.” She snorts, shaking her head. “That’s a lie, he wants more, I can’t give it to him and we’re at a stalemate.”

Lexa considers her response carefully for a few moments, watching as Clarke plays with some unseen spot on her table. “Can I be blunt?”

Clarke looks up, nodding her head, “Please.”

Lexa pulls out her own chair and sits down, leaning towards Clarke with her elbows on her knees. “You love him, he’s your friend, but you aren’t in love with him. Isn’t this just hurting you and giving him false hope?”

Clarke sighs heavily and places her elbow on the table and rests her head in it. “Yes. He made the reservations for our one-year anniversary and I forgot. No, I didn’t forget, I didn’t even consider it to be something to forget.”

“Do you know what you’re going to do?” Lexa asks, taking her hand in her own and squeezing softly.

“I know what I need to do, but there’s just so much more to it. I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet. But I know I can’t keep using him as a safety net.” She eyes Lexa, tilting her head to the side. “I’m just scared to take a risk.”

“I can understand that, it’s not an easy thing to do.” Lexa rubs her thumb over the back of Clarke’s hand and see’s her intake of breath. “I can lend you my strength if you need it.”

The words are soft, but the meaning is clear. “Thank you, Lexa.” She doesn’t know what more to say and doesn’t try. Lexa gives her a smile and everything is okay for now.

 

~

 

Dinner was full of smiles and filled with laughs thanks to Jaiden and her innocent outlook on all things. Jaiden spent a good bit of time informing Lexa and Clarke of all the bad things that happen to animals that are used for our food, having heard the information first hand from her best friend in school, Luke. She decided she is giving up meat and Clarke watched amazed as Lexa accepted it with grace and without question while providing her daughter with rice and veggies for dinner, keeping the baked chicken away from her plate. She also told her she would look up some new recipes for them to try and still get their protein.

 _Such an easy acceptance Lexa shows to Jaiden. She wants her happy and healthy and that’s all that matters. If only all parents were the same._ Clarke’s shakes away her musings and helps Lexa clean up.

After the dishes were done and put away they gathered in the living room to watch a movie before it was Jaiden’s bedtime. Only 40 minutes later finds Clarke sits cross-legged on the couch talking with Lexa, both of them sipping on a couple beers.

“Poor kid only made it half way through the movie.” Clarke whispers as she looks over at the young girl curled up on the love seat fast asleep. She looks peaceful in her sleep, innocent and untouched by the cruelties of the world.

Lexa admires her daughter lovingly and admires Clarke doing the same, “Yeah, she ran around class with her friends today and went to the gym with me after that so, she’s had a long day.”

“No kidding. Kids have so much energy, I miss having that.”

“Yeah, me too.” Lexa smiles, stretching her arms, “I should put her to bed now,” she continues, getting up to grab Jaiden just as Clarke stands.

“Do you mind if I do it?” Clarke asks shyly, “I love kids and I adore Jai.”

Lexa feels her heart swell, “Of-course. Her room is beside mine across from the washroom.”

Clarke nods and cradles the sleeping child in her arms and carries her carefully into her room. After tucking her in and kissing her head she quietly creeps out, noticing Lexa by the door watching her with a warm smile. “She’s so precious.”

“Thank you,” Lexa whispers, grabbing Clarke’s hand “come with me.” Pulling her through the next door she clicks on the light.

“Wow, nice room.” Clarke says, admiring the king sized four-post bed, the rocking chair near the window and a beautiful dresser and wall mirror. It just called out _Lexa_ in ways Clarke couldn’t quite comprehend yet.

“It’s nice, I just can’t wait until I can get Jai and I a house. I’m working on it.” She glances around her own room quickly.

Clarke smiles with a nod in understanding. “So…” she starts, getting a bit nervous being in her friend’s room and feeling a weird sensation when looking at the bed.

“Oh, sorry, come on. Let’s go talk and finish our coolers.” The sound of Lexa’s phone breaks the short silence. Lexa smiles sheepishly and sit beside Clarke on the couch, reaching out for her phone that rests on the coffee table. “Sorry, one sec please,” she requests before answering the phone.

_“Oh my god Lexy! You’ll never believe the night I had! Or well that I’m continuing to have! I just got out of dinner and now we’re going back to my place!”_

“Damn Echo slow down!” Lexa laughs at her bubbly friend, “So you’re hooking up with someone, good for you!”

_“Oh yeah, anyway, he’s coming back from getting wine so I’ll call you tomorrow with ALL the details! Later!”_

Lexa laughs and ends the call, “Well someone’s getting some tonight.”

Clarke smirks, “Good for her! She’s lucky…”

Lexa holds out her arm and Clarke surprises herself when her body gives in and molds itself into Lexa without hesitation; it just felt natural.  Clarke hears Lexa sigh and feels her heart thrum harder in her chest. “So,” Lexa softly begins, “care to explain your call earlier? Or is it just none of my business?”

Clarke leans further into Lexa, placing her arm over her waist lightly, allowing her hand to hold onto her hip. “I’m going through some stuff and I’m just trying to figure it all out.”

“Understandable,” Lexa replies, allowing her fingers to play with Clarke’s soft hair.  “Can I just say one thing?”

Clarke raises her head to look into her friends eyes, “Sure, what?”

Lexa cups her cheek, swallowing back any signs of nervousness and hesitation before leaning in slowly, pausing to see if Clarke will pull away. When she instead flutters her eyes closed, Lexa presses her lips softly but fully against hers. Pulling back slowly, she looks at the woman she knows her heart is falling for. “I’m here for you, in any capacity you need me in, no matter what.”

Clarke blushes, allowing her eyes to close once more and swallows hard. “I um…Lexa I…”

Lexa stops her with two fingers pressed to her lips. “Stay the night?” Her voice is barely a whisper and Clarke can feel her fingers trembling against her lips. Raising her eyes to meet the nervous green she finds her breath is caught. She watches the movement as Lexa licks her bottom lip slowly, “Just to rest with me…”

She presses a soft kiss against the fingers and lowers them from her mouth, “Okay,” she whispers back. Together they stand and make their way to Lexa’s bedroom. The nervous flutter lands in both of their stomachs, settling low and remaining constant. Regular night sleep rituals are ignored as Lexa simply removes her jeans and pulls back her comforter, crawling inside. Clarke follows suite, kicking off her jeans and getting in on the other side. They lay face to face on their sides, searching for each other in the darkness and fighting against the night to see each other’s eyes. Noses softly touching, they can feel each other smile before legs touch and hands clasp together, sleep claiming them both quickly.

 

~

 

Clarke wakes a few hours later, the moon high in the sky outside Lexa’s window. She stretches her legs, feeling warm and protected; already feeling refreshed from the few hours of sleep, knowing it’s the best she has had in years. Blinking open her sleepy blue eyes, she takes in her surroundings. _I’m at Lexa’s. I’m in her bed._ She sighs, _in her arms._

Trying and failing to fight back a smile, she sinks back into the warm embrace that spoons her snugly from behind. Lexa shifts slightly and tightens her hold. Clarke grins, whispering softly, “Lex, you awake?” Silence answers, “Guess not.”

She rubs at the hand holding her waist, trailing her fingers over the smooth skin. “I don’t know what’s happening, but I know it feels incredible.” She sighs sadly, feeling her guilt creep in. “But what if I’m opening the door for trouble?” She feels her head sink further into the pillow and allows her body to relax further into Lexa’s protective embrace.

Her breath hitches slightly as Lexa rises up to lean over her, still holding her stomach, but now trailing her fingertips back and forth in a soothing motion. “Then I’ll walk through it with you; if you’ll allow me to,” is her soft reply.

Clarke rolls onto her back, “I thought you were asleep,” she feels her cheeks warm and her nerves take hold, “Look Lexa, I’m sor-“ Lexa cupping her cheek and pressing her lips gently to hers cuts her off. The kiss is chaste, a tender pressing of lips to provide comfort and a quietly shared promise.

Pulling back, Lexa searches Clarke’s eyes, watching them shine in the moonlight. Her hand slides up and into blonde locks, treading her fingers in it and gripping lightly, “Can we have tonight and face the rest of the world tomorrow?” Her voice only wavers slightly in a sign of her warring emotions at the question she is posing.

Clarke nods, leaning in to brush her lips over Lexa’s, whimpering in delight as the brunette sinks into her and knows she must be able to feel the pounding in her chest; a sign that her heart is trying with all of its might to reach out to her. With a nudge of noses, Clarke poses one question, her breath mixing with Lexa’s. “Together?”

“Together,” Lexa breathes out, claiming the tender lips in a firmer kiss, lowering herself back down so that Clarke can reclaim her place in her arms. 

They kiss throughout the night and early morning, stopping only to share soft words of comfort and caresses until sleep finally claims them in the early hours of tomorrow.

 

~

 

She slips silently from her room into the kitchen after peeking through her mom’s door and seeing the two women curled together sleeping soundly. As quietly as she can she moves the stool so she can reach into the cabinets. With the stealth and ease of an eagle she puts together a small breakfast feast. To complete the bowls of Cap’N Crunch and Fruity Pebbles she, with only a small mess, makes toast and retrieves the milk and orange juice. _Now just to wake up my mom and her new gurrrlfriend,_ she thinks in a singsong voice, grinning from ear to ear.

Lexa wakes from the most amazing dream. Clarke, beautiful Clarke had kissed her well into the night and then slept in her arms. She stretches and rubs the sleep out of her eyes, opening them to see blue eyes staring back at her. “Wow, so I guess it wasn’t a dream…” Lexa smiles and plays with a strand of Clarke’s hair, causing her to smile back. “Hi.”

Clarke smiles, “Hi,” she grins, leaning into Lexa. Their lips meet in a soft kiss.

“HI!”  Jaiden calls out exuberantly, running into the room and diving onto the bed.  Lexa and Clarke clear their throats, chuckling. “Good morning ladies, hungry?” The little girl asks with eyes sparkling.

Lexa looks to Clarke, “How about it? Breakfast?”

“Sounds great, whatcha making?” Clarke asks. Lexa turns to look at Jaiden. Noticing this, Clarke too turns to the young girl before them.

“Okay Clarkey, what do you like best: Cap’N Crunch or Fruity Pebbles?”

Clarke grins and feels herself falling in love with the young angel in front of her. _And her mom..._ She glances at Lexa briefly before turning back to Jaiden. “I’m a fruity girl.”

“Great so is Mom! More Cap’N Crunch for me!” She scrambles off the bed, waving her arm towards the door, “Come on, get up! Let’s go!” She calls back at them running to the kitchen.

Lexa crawls out of bed, “Come on gorgeous, breakfast of champions awaits!” She holds out her hand and pulls the blonde to her feet and into her arms.  “But first…” she kisses Clarke gently, allowing their lips to linger for a few precious moments and rests their heads together, whispering affectionately, “mmm good morning.” Grinning when she hears Clarke hum in response she pulls her along, never letting go of her hand. 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for honouring me by reading my stories. Truly, thank you.


	6. Our darkest haunts reside in our mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions run high in this one, things are boiling over and Clarke gets self destructive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be kind with this one. As I mentioned in the past, this story has been written for many years - based off original characters and I've adapted it for Clexa. With that being said, a lot of me is in Clarke from past experiences. Be gentle.

**CH 6 - Our darkest haunts reside in our mind**

~ 

The Previous Night/Across Town

~

 

“Wow, you have a great place here.” Bellamy admires, looking around the cozy apartment. 

“Thanks, wanna see the bedroom?” Echo smirks, not feeling the need to play games tonight. He either wants her, or he doesn’t. She walks over to the door of her room and leans seductively it, eyeing him.

“So it was a ploy,” Bellamy smiles, “enough drinks to get me all liquored up and bring me back to your place to take advantage of me?” He saunters over to her, grabbing her hips.

“Complaining?” She asks, grabbing the back of his neck.

“No, not at all.” Is his reply as he pushes her into the room, kicking the door closed with his foot and maneuvers her body so that she’s at the foot of her bed and then pushes her onto it.

 

~

 

Echo stretches, releasing a yawn and slowly opens her eyes and smiles.  _Fucking amazing…_ Turning to face her previous night’s lover, her smile fades when she notices his side is already cold and empty.  _Humph!_ She sits up and pulls her messy hair back into a bun. Just as she is about to get up a voice from the doorway startles her.

“Don’t even think about getting up.”

Echo grins, turning to face Bellamy who is standing just inside the bedroom door looking gorgeous as he holds two coffees and a bag.  “Well come here handsome and show me what you’ve got.”

“I thought you saw that last night,” he questions with a seductive grin.

“Touché’.” Taking the coffee he holds out for her she kisses his cheek and thanks him.

“I don’t know what you like, so I got regular glaze, chocolate dip, cinnamon twist and bear claws.” After realizing how much he brought back, a blush begins to take over his cheeks

Echo only grins at him. _What a guy!_ She squeals inside her head. “Sit down, join me.” Noticing his hesitation she frowns. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry; I’m just late for a meeting with a client, that’s all.” He scratches the back of his head before leaning down. He kisses her forehead gently, “See you later?”  Seeing her nod, he smiles and leaves the room.

Echo smiles, biting into her chocolate dipped donut. _Mmm that man’s gonna be mine._

 

~

 

Clarke walks into the apartment she shares with Bellamy, shutting the door quietly.  She tiptoes towards the bedroom to notice it neatly made and undisturbed.  _That’s weird…he never makes the bed._ With a puzzled look and a shrug she turns and heads for the bathroom, shutting the door and turning on the shower. Shedding her clothes she climbs in and allows the hot water to cascade over her body. She sighs, a smile taking over her face. She had the most amazing night and wonderful breakfast. Things were changing. She knows they are and although it scares her and she can’t seem to shake the knot in her stomach, she knows it is going to be for the best. 

She can feel it growing inside her. It’s coming…that surge of life she’s been waiting for…craving for. It’s coming and she knows; deep down she knows what it is, is going to make her whole. _I feel it, I don’t know how, it’s so sudden it’s so intense…and yet I know that Le—_

“Clarke?”

She jumps slightly, startled out of her thoughts as she hears the bathroom door creek open gently. “Hey Bell…just finishing up, I’ll be out in a minute.” She kept her back turned to him, even though he couldn’t see her through the frosted glass of the shower doors.

“Yeah sure, I’ll be in the kitchen.” He replies softly and closes the door behind him.  He looks down at his boots. _Guilt._ Scratching his head he makes his way to the kitchen to make some coffee. He also took notice of the neatly made bed, but wasn’t sure if it was slept in the night before or not. Clarke is always an early riser and always makes the bed before she showers or leaves the apartment.

Putting on the coffee he stares at it, as if willing it to brew before his eyes. _If she was here, I’m sure she’s wondering where I was last night. Even if she wasn’t here…even if she stayed with Lexa again…_ Lexa. What was it about the woman that Clarke seems so drawn to? She can’t have a crush on her, can she? Shaking his head, he grabs a mug and pours himself a cup, sitting down at the table. _What the hell is going on?_ He questions himself. _I cheated on my girlfriend…the girl that has severe issues, won’t sleep with me and seems to be avoiding our relationship and me lately. But I cheated on her…and had the best sex of my life. I told her I’d wait… I said it wasn’t about sex.  I-_

“Hey.”  She spoke softly from the doorway wearing her favourite black cargo pants and a black Adidas workout shirt that tightly hugs her well-toned form. Her long blonde hair was wet and hung loose over her shoulders. She hesitates before asking, “Are you okay? Why are you just staring at me?”

Snapping out of it he blushes slightly, “Sorry I just…you look really beautiful.” 

Still holding the towel she was using to dry her hair she self-consciously crossed her arms in front of her, the towel hiding her bare midriff. “So where were you last night?” She ignores his compliment, choosing to question his whereabouts instead.

Suddenly feeling more irritated than guilty, he meet her inquiring gaze with one of his own. “Where were you?”

“You know where I was, Bellamy. I had dinner with-“

“Lexa. I know. You seem to be with her a lot lately. I mean, at first I thought it was just because you made a friend and she was training you but now I’m not so sure.” He sits back in his chair and crosses his arms, waiting for her response.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” Her nose flares and her eyes blaze. “I had **_dinner_** with her and her daughter. I told you that. And you still haven’t answered me, so where were **you**?”

She feels the anger growing. She had just had a good night and felt alive but now feels like she is back in high school.  Back when she was constantly being questioned about her friendships and her choices. It makes her feel weak, small.  She can’t let him see that. She can’t let him see the guilt she harbours for loving the feeling of soft sweet lips upon her own the previous night. She can’t let him see how hard she was falling for someone else. Someone, that isn’t him.  “Well?”

“I went and had dinner. I went for some drinks and then I crashed at a friends.” He stares at her…daring her to question him further. He isn’t sure why he feels so angry. Minutes ago he felt guilty and was ready to spill out everything to her and beg for her forgiveness but now he is grinding his teeth waiting for her response.

“Oh.”

 _Oh? All she’s going to say is ‘oh?’  If she cared she’d ask what friend I stayed with.  Wouldn’t she?_   “Oh?”

“Yeah… oh. What am I supposed to say? You’re a big boy. You don’t have to answer to me.” She spins on her heel and turns to leave the kitchen.

“Where are you going now?” He asks, standing up from his chair.

Clarke turns and levels her blue eyes on him. “I’m a big girl. I don’t have to answer to you.” With that she grabs her gym bag and her keys and strides out of the apartment leaving a very confused, hurt and angry Bellamy behind.

 

~

 

She’s pissed. Angry. She feels…used. Should she though?

She slams her fists into the punching bag over and over as she tries to work out all her frustration and anger. _He cheated on me. I’m hurt and I’m angry, but why do I feel this way? I love him, but I’m not IN love with him._ Her fist connects again. _And didn’t I sorta do the same thing?_ She throws two quick punches in repetition. _I’m falling for someone else. I kissed her…and I liked it._ She lets out a frustration filled grunt as she varies her workout, throwing in roundhouse kicks that could have sent a full-grown man to the floor whimpering for his mother. She continues to savagely beat on the bag, sweat coating her body and dripping off of her as she did.

Raven looks up at the ceiling and shakes her head sadly. She had heard the constant bang of the heavy bag upstairs for going on 30 minutes.  She is beginning to get concerned for her friend and employee. That bag is heavy…much denser than the others. She knows Clarke is sure to be bruised up after a workout like that, if not sporting broken skin.

When Clarke came this morning in she knew not to question her with the look in her eyes. A look she had never before seen on the sweet blonde. She couldn’t quite explain it, but Raven knew there are some things that only Clarke could handle. And right now, beating the shit out of that bag seems to be the way for her to handle it. She cringes as she hears the banging grow even louder. 

Looking up and over her shoulder she hears the side door near her office click with the sound of a keycard being accepted and the door opening. Lexa steps in and smiles at Raven until she sees the look on her face. Then she hears the loud banging coming from above.

“Hey Rave, what’s going on?” She asks, concerned and turns her attention toward the ceiling. “Who’s up there, construction workers?”

Despite her concern Raven can’t stop the smirk on her face and shakes her head.  “No actually, it’s your protégé.”

“What? Clarke?” She asks and Raven nods. “Is she…beating on the heavy bag?” Lexa frowns, recognizing the sound but hoping she is wrong.

“Has been for over 30 minutes now. All I can say is she has stamina…and hopefully thick skin.” Raven winces when another louder bang came after a moment of silence.

“Is she wearing wraps and shin guards?” Lexa asks, her worry showing in her eyes.

Raven frowns. “Lex, I couldn’t stop her. She had this look of fury about her, but I could see pain beneath it. Maybe you can talk to her.”

Lexa barely hears Raven’s last sentence as she is already headed for the elevator.  Stepping out into the hallway, she makes her way toward the noise. It is finally growing a bit fainter and not as consistent. _She’s tiring_.  Lexa can’t imagine how she is even still going after 30 minutes of this.

Opening the door to the training room she stops, her heart breaking at the sight.  Clarke is drenched in sweat, using every last ounce of strength she has to keep punching the bag. Running quickly yet quietly over to her, so not to startle her, she stops just a few feet away from the blonde and feels her heart sink further. Not only is Clarke she covered in sweat, but also her knuckles are red and bloody from not using wraps or gloves on the hard vinyl of the bag. The skin there is broken and raw, blood dripping down her hand. Lexa can’t see her shins, but imagines they are probably in almost the same shape. 

“Clarke,” she whispers softly. Clarke slows, momentarily, recognizing the voice and lowers her head a bit to focus on the floor. 

“I just need to be alone right now, Lexa.” She never turns to face her, instead throwing another punch on the bag that Lexa can now see is coated by the blonde’s blood.

“Clarke, please…stop. Look at me. Please?” Lexa begs, tears forming in her eyes. She doesn’t know what’s going on, but she knows Clarke is in pain. They are much alike in this way. Whenever she feels the pain in the pit of her stomach that won’t go away, it is easier to drown yourself in physical pain rather than to deal with the emotional part of it. “Whatever is wrong, please let me help you.”

Clarke snickers darkly, clearly not in control of her emotion and much to Lexa’s surprise. “Help me? **No one** can help me. I thought I had changed…I thought these feelings inside me were gone,” she breathes out, her voice dry and raspy. “I thought I had changed Lexa! I thought that I was no longer this scared, insecure little girl anymore.” She feels weakness taking over her and using what energy she has left she throws one final punch and collapses to her knees. “I don’t know who I am anymore,” her voice chokes out painfully.

Lexa doesn’t hesitate to cross the short distance and drop to her knees beside Clarke. Wrapping her arms around her, she holds her gently, careful of her hands and shins. “Why are you doing this to yourself, honey?” She whispers, rocking Clarke gently as she wipes the tears that stream down her face. 

Clarke turns her head slowly to look into the sparkling green eyes above her. “I tried to change who I am for them…even though I knew it wasn’t what would make me happy. Even though I **know** it isn’t who I am.”

“Who are they, Clarke? The people back home?” Seeing Clarke nod slightly she continues, “They aren’t here Clarke and you don’t have to be anyone but yourself here.”

“He’s here though. He was my best friend but deep down, he’s always wanted me to change too. I saw it in his eyes then, and I see and feel it even more now.” She rests her head against Lexa’s shoulder, too exhausted to hold it up anymore.

“Bellamy,” Lexa sighs out his name and feels a slight nod. “I don’t know what happened, but we need to get you cleaned up and get you some rest. We can talk more later if you want to. Okay?” She looks at the exhausted pale face in her arms.  She is out. Lexa sighs sadly and positions herself so that she can get an arm under Clarke’s legs to pick her up. As she stands, the door opens and in steps Raven and Lincoln, one of the regulars. 

“Oh my god, Lexa! Is she alright?” Raven calls out, rushing over to them, Lincoln following and steps up next to her, “Do you want me to take her for you?”

Lexa smiles at the intense looking yet very sweet man in front of her.  “No but thank you. I’ve got her.” She walks past him and down the hall to the medical room and lays Clarke down gently on a cot. 

Lincoln looks at the strong yet damaged blonde lying motionless on the cot. “Take care of her Lexa. She’s a good girl, but ever since she moved here I’ve seen that pain in her eyes.” She rubs at his face, looking down on the blonde kindly. “She tries to hide it, but it’s there. You make it better. I’ve noticed.” His eyes were kind as he spoke, “I’ll go watch the front for you, Raven.”

“He’s a good man,” Lexa comments, smiling at Raven.  “As muscled and mean as he can look when he’s working out, he’s really a big teddy bear.”

Raven smiles back, “He sure is and if he didn’t have a thing for my best friend I’d be having some dark chocolate of my own.” She gets serious again when her attention drops back to Clarke. “What can I do to help?” 

She watches Lexa get some cloths and ointments from the various cabinets and lines them up on a table beside the cot. “Could you get me a bowl of water to clean her up with please?”

“Sure thing.”

Lexa looks at Clarke with soft and caring eyes. “Clarke…honey I know you’re tired but I really need you to open your eyes and look at me.” The blonde begins to stir, but her eyes remain closed. Lexa caresses her cheek softly, “This is going to hurt, and I’d rather you be awake so you know what’s going on…” 

Blue eyes finally flutter slowly and a tongue peeks out to lick dry lips.  “Lexa?”

“I’m here, Clarke and so is Raven. You buggered yourself up pretty badly. We need to get you cleaned up, okay?” Clarke nods. “Just lie still and relax, this is going to sting a bit.” Taking the bowl of water from Raven she wets a cloth and gently dabs the blood and sweat from Clarke’s knuckles and hands.  Lexa knows it must sting, but the blonde seems to be numb to the pain.

“Hey Clarke, I’m just going to wipe your face with this damp cloth, okay hun?”  Raven whispers and softly wipes her face, cooling her down. “How’s that feel?”

“Good, thank you Raven. I’ll clean the bag for you la-“

“Shhh, now don’t worry about that, we’ll get it cleaned up.  You just rest and let us take care of you first,” she speaks softly. “There.” Finishing, she lays the cool cloth over her brow. “Would you like some water?”

Clarke nods, “Yes please.”

Raven holds a bottle to her lips and Clarke sips slowly, a little trickling down her chin.  “Thank you.”

“No problem, girl. Lexa, I’m going to go check on Lincoln make sure he’s not intimidating any new arrivals. I’ll be back in a bit. Page me if you need me.”  Turning back to Clarke she touches her cheek, “You get some rest.” Turning towards the door she shuts it quietly with a soft click.

Lexa busies herself applying ointment to Clarke’s knuckles tenderly and wraps them with gauze. She feels her face warming and looks up noticing Clarke staring at her and tears starting to stream down her face. “Hey, I’m sorry, am I hurting you?” 

Clarke shakes her head. “No, you’re the only one that doesn’t.” Lexa finishes taping the gauze and pauses.

“Who hurts you, Clarke?” Lexa scoots her stool so that she is face to face with the beautifully broken woman in front of her. Not getting a response, she presses further, “Do you remember what you said, just before you passed out?”

Clarke sighs, “I was babbling like a fool. It wasn’t anything important.”

“It was to me. I’ve been there, Clarke. I may not know everything, but I know what you’ve shared with me, and I know what you said was important. Don’t let yourself recede back into that shadowy place you fought to come out of.”

“Did I?” She sighs out in despair, “Because honestly, sometimes I don’t think I ever made it out. I just hide. I pretend.” Tears continue to stream down her face and she uses her palms to push herself into a sitting position. Lexa stands.

“Are you okay? Here, put your legs on this stool so I can look at them.” She directs and scoots the stool in front of her. Clarke just looks at her with a question in her eyes.

“Why? Why are you being so good to me?” She asks, pain evident in her voice.

“Why? How can you ask me why? You know I care about you and you’re hurt. I don’t want you in pain.” Lexa sighs, her voice soft. “Now don’t be stubborn and put your legs up here."

Clarke does as she is instructed. She winces slightly as Lexa unsnaps the buttons on the sides of her workout pants and gingerly lifted the material from her bloody legs. “Well, not as bad as your knuckles, but they’re still gonna be bruised and sore,” she notes as she grabs the cloth and starts again to dab and wipe away the blood.

“This is nothing. Should have seen them when I was 17. Completely raw and blood covered.” 

Lexa looks up, “You sound almost proud of that.”

Clarke shrugs, “Yeah well, I’ve always been good at destroying myself.”

Lexa doesn’t comment. She doesn’t know what to say, but knows she has to do something. She can tell by the lost look in Clarke’s eyes that she is headed into a dark place.

After wrapping her legs in gauze she turns and grabs some sweats out of the cabinet.  “Put these on, yours will need to be washed.”

Clarke does as she is told, noticing Lexa had turned to face the wall while she took off her pants. “Afraid to look at me? I know I’m not super model hot, especially now.”

Lexa turns, pinning Clarke with her eyes, “I was trying to respect you. And why do you do that? Tear yourself down; even to someone you know would never say anything negative against you?”

Clarke shrugs again. “Give it time.”

“You’re trying to anger me…to push me away. It won’t work, Clarke. I’ve been there, and I’ve seen it before. I’m here… here for you and nothing you say or do is going to change that.”

Clarke looks at her and winces as she walks towards the door. “Somehow I knew you were going to say that. I’ve always dreamed someone would, only in my dream I was saved and we drove off into the sunset. But that can’t happen.”  She turns and continues out the door leaving Lexa stunned and silent.

~

 


	7. There's a certain kind of lover, Makes you question who you are. Makes you hand over your powers, Leave a bulging heart-shaped scar.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always something...poor Lexa.  
> She doesn't find Clarke.

~

CH 7

~

. 

Lexa enters her apartment slamming the door. Throwing her keys on the table she heads for the fridge and grabs a beer. Sitting down on the couch she takes a long swig and thinks about everything that has happened between her and Clarke, ending with this morning. She can’t believe the pain and loneliness she saw reflected in those blue eyes. Even more, she can’t believe how shut off Clarke seemed, how distant and cold her tone was as she left the gym.

_“Somehow I knew you were going to say that. I always dreamed someone would, only in my dream I was saved and we drove off into the sunset. But that can’t happen.”_

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” she says aloud to her empty home.  Leaning her head back she closes her eyes. She tried to catch Clarke before she left but Raven said she must have gone through a back access door. Her car wasn’t in the lot. Lexa found her gym bag and took it with her after canceling her afternoon sessions. She tried calling Clarke’s cell, and even Bellamy’s apartment but nothing.  She didn’t dare call Bellamy’s cell number that Raven had given her.  She didn’t know what was going on and didn’t want to stir up anything else.

Just as she finishes her beer and is about to head back out to look for Clarke the phone rings. “Hello?” 

“Hi Momma!” The voice on the other end squeals in delight. “Mom says I get to come stay with you for a while!”

Lexa seems shocked, “Oh really baby? What’s going on, she just picked you up this morning.”

“I know but she gots stuff to do and said I need to stay with you for a while! Can you come get me Momma?”

Lexa smiles despite her stress, “Of course I will Angel. Give me a couple hours to get there, okay?”

“Yep! Oh Momma?”

“Yeah baby?” Lexa says as she grabs her keys and her jacket.

“Is Clarkey coming with you to get me?” The innocent voice asks.

“No baby, just me okay? Clarke isn’t feeling too well. I’ll be there as soon as I can, so pack a bag okay?”

“Yes ma’am. Bye momma, I love you.”

“Love you too baby girl.” She ends the call, shoving her phone in her pocket and heads for the door. She wonders what is going on. Jaiden has school but obviously it must be serious enough to miss it. Opening the door she is startled to see a very teary eyed Clarke.

“Hey…”

“Lexa… I’m sorry for how I acted…I just…drove and ended up here. I can leave if you want me to.” She rushes out in a pained whisper, her head slightly bowed as if ashamed.

“Of course I don’t want you to leave. I was worried about you. Still am.”

“Were you leaving?” Clarke asks noticing the car keys in the brunette’s hand.

“Actually yes, first to look for you, but then Jaiden called and asked me to come get her.” She sighs and runs a hand over her hair in worry, “I don’t know what’s going on but I’m about to find out. Would you like to stay here, or come with?” She asks gently, placing her arm on Clarke’s shoulder gently.

“I’d just be in the way. It’s family stuff. I’ll go” she says and starts to turn.

“Oh no you don’t,” Lexa says as she grabs her hand, stopping her from leaving. “You have two choices: stay in my apartment or come with me.”  Clarke looks into her eyes as she continues, “and personally, I’d rather you come with me.” Squeezing her hand gently she waits for Clarke to respond. Smiling as she gets a nod in confirmation, they walked to the car, Lexa opening the door for her and securing her inside. Entering the car herself, she smiles softly to the blonde and starts the engine, driving off to go get her daughter and find out just what exactly is going on. 

Lexa is relieved that Clarke came back to see her. She needs to talk with her, to try and find out what is going on, and what she can do to help.  At the same time, she also needs to find out why she is picking her daughter up only hours after her birth mother came to get her.  _Something’s up…_ She grips the steering wheel tightly with one hand and holds Clarke’s injured hands in the other.

. 

~

. 

The first 20 minutes into their drive to pick up Jaiden is quiet. Clarke is staring out the window with a glossy gaze and Lexa glances at her a few times before finally speaking. "Clarke?"

Turning to face her friend Clarke clears her throat, "Yeah Lex?"

"Do you want to talk at all? We won't be in Ft. Collins for another hour, so we have time," she glances at the blonde, "If you want. No pressure."

Clarke smiles slightly and nods. "I'm not sure what to talk about, or what to say." She pauses then turns back, "Ft Collins...that's where you grew up, right?"

"Yeah, Costia never left home. I’m not sure why, if I had no family there I wouldn't stay. It's a boring and closed-minded town. Maybe she stays because it's familiar." She shrugs and clicks her signal to pass a car.

"Do you miss her?" Clarke asks, turning her attention back to her window. 

Lexa turns to look at her, "You mean Costia?"

"Yeah, Costia, your ex, the mother of your child. Do you wish she had come with you?"

Lexa furrows her brow...Clarke's voice is hollow. She doesn’t sound like herself at all.  "No, I don't. I left her remember? We only keep in contact due to Jaiden. That's it.  Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering." Clarke leans her head back and closes her eyes.

Lexa watches as she drifts off into a light slumber. Gripping her steering wheel she loses herself in thought. Thoughts of what is going on with Costia to send Jaiden back to her during the week, and thoughts of how to help her best friend.

. 

~

. 

The sound of the car door shutting jolts her awake. Lexa turns back to see her eyes blink sleepily. Walking around to the passenger side she motions for Clarke to roll her window down. "Hey, sorry I didn't mean to wake you. We're here, I'm going to go see what's going on and get my girl. Do you want to come in?"

"No, that's okay, I'll just wait here," Clarke replies, feeling uneasy.

Lexa nods in understanding and heads to the front porch of a modest two-story house. It isn't anything fancy but it is a nice home with lots of potential. Clarke briefly wonders if Lexa is telling the truth about not missing her ex and the life she had here. Her thoughts are interrupted as a giggling five year old yells her name and comes running to her. "Clarkey!" Despite herself she can’t help but smile.

"Hey princess, how are you?" She asks the girl as she opens the car door to let the small child in. Jaiden climbs over her lap and into the drivers seat.

"I'm good! I'm happy I get to come back and stay with Momma!" Her excitement pauses as she notices Clarke's bandaged hands. "What happened, did you have an axedent?"

"Jaiden!"

Clarke and Jaiden both look to the porch to see Lexa waving her back to them.  "Oh, I forgot my bag! Be right back!" She opens the car door and takes off, running back up to the house. Clarke watches as she walks inside and the door is shut behind her.

. 

~

. 

"Who's your friend, Lex?" Costia asks casually as she stares out the window. "She's pretty but looks sick."

"That's Clarkey! She's really fun!" Jaiden says as she brings in her school bag and sits it on the floor beside two other small duffel bags.

"Clarke Griffin. She's a good friend of mine and yeah, she's felt better." Lexa says and notices the three bags at her feet.

"She's not contagious I hope?" Costia asks. Lexa isn’t sure if it’s true concern or something else.

"No, she's not sick. She’s just going through some stuff. Look, what's going on Costia? Why did you pick Jaiden up this morning only to have me come back to get her 5 hours later? What about school?"

Costia turns to Lexa, tucking her brown hair behind her ears, "What, you don't want time with your daughter?" She spoke a little too loudly and Lexa hushes her, pushing her hand away.

"Of course I do, don't be ridiculous! I'd just like to know what's going on and why she won't be in school. What's going on and for how long?" Lexa is starting to get impatient as Costia walks away from her and down the hall, and then comes back with another jacket for Jaiden.

"I have some out of town business that just came up. You know I don't have any family here and I don't trust anyone else with Jaiden for this long." She says as she stuffs the jacket into one of the bags at Lexa's feet.

"How long Costia?” Why can’t she give her an answer? “And what kind of business?  Are you in some kind of trouble?" Lexa grabs her arm and pulls her up to face her.  "Talk to me Costia."

"A week...maybe two. That's not going to be a problem for you is it? Or your new little friend?" She asks motioning to Clarke sitting in the car.

Lexa grit her teeth, "Leave her out of this, and no, it's no problem. You know I will gladly have Jaiden live with me. But what about school?" 

"I already spoke with her teacher and she is willing to give me two weeks work of assignments Jaiden can work on and turn in when she's back. It's really no problem. Now if you'll excuse me, I have someone coming to get me soon, so I'd appreciate it if Jaiden isn’t here when I go." She turns and grabs her wallet, pulling out a couple hundreds, "Here's some cash incase you need it." She holds out the bills to Lexa who just stares at her.

"I don't need your money, Costia, but I must say I am worried as to why you have that much cash lying around." She pushes the money back, "Keep it. Use it on something useful, not what I'm starting to suspect you use it for."

"Momma can me and you and Clarkey stop and get some food on the way home?"  Jaiden asks coming out of her room with a small album in her hands.

"Of course we can Angel." Lexa looks up as she hears something hit the floor when Costia was putting the money back into her purse.  Turning back to her daughter she gives her a quick kiss on her forehead, "Here, why don't you take your school bag and go back out and wait with Clarke. Keep her company for me and I'll be right out, okay?"

"Okay." She turns to Costia and holds out her arms. Costia picks her up and hugs her as Lexa bends down to retrieve the dropped item. "Be good baby and I'll see you soon okay?" She kisses her and puts her back down.

"I will Mommy. Bye," she calls out and runs out the door towards the car.

Lexa raises up slowly, staring at the small vial in her hand.  "Costia..."

Costia turns back and takes notice of what Lexa is holding. "Lexa, that's mine, give it to me."

"Cocaine. Costia... YOU HAVE A FIVE YEAR OLD IN THIS HOUSE!" she screams, well aware that Jaiden and Clarke can probably hear her. "What the hell is wrong with you? Is that where that money came from? You're messing around with drugs?"

Costia begins crying and turns away from Lexa. "Why do you think I had her call you...I need help Lex...no one is here to take care of me and I got messed up."

"Yeah well no one ever took care of me but I didn't use that as an excuse to fall into drugs. Especially when I have a CHILD that needs me!" She shakes her head and walks to the kitchen and turns on the tap. She dumps the contents of the vial into the sink and washes down the white powder. "I don't know how much more of this you have, but I can tell you right now, I'm taking our daughter and she will be staying with me until I'm satisfied that you're clean. I'll fight for custody if I have to."

"That's why I needed you to take her. I've made my decision. I'm going to a rehab center. I'm leaving today, okay?" She pleads with Lexa to believe her.

"Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. It's hard to believe that you are when you're still carrying," she threw the vial down, "Not to mention it takes more than a week or two to get clean."

"I am going...it may be longer, but I know you'll take care of her." Costia sniffles and wipes her eyes. "I'll get clean, you'll see."

"Yeah... well I'm going now. I'll be calling Jai's school to get her records sent down to Rainy Springs. She'll be living with me until further notice.  Got me?" Lexa looks at the woman she once loved, determination written all over her face.  Costia simply nods back. "Good luck," she calls, slamming the door as she leaves.

Jaiden watches her Momma come out and knows the look she has on her face.  "Clarke, Momma's sad... can you make it better?"

Clarke turns away from Lexa to face the little girl sitting in the back seat, "Yeah princess, I can make it better."

. 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But Clarke finds her. :)


	8. There are a certain kind of memories, That I don’t know where to place. Cannot shake, cannot pretend, There are things I can erase.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke continues to spiral...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay. (Canadian sorry, because I've been busy but a good busy so I'm not really sorry, but I'm kind of sorry because I love to write and I know I hate waiting on updates so yeah...)
> 
> Forgive me?

CH 8

~

 

The evening is dark and cold by the time they return from Ft. Collins. Jaiden had fallen asleep after getting a full tummy and Lexa carefully carries her into her room and lays her down softly under her covers. Closing the door quietly she walks back to the living room where Clarke is seated on the couch, looking very much lost in thought.

“She’s still out.” Lexa confirms as she walks over and sits beside Clarke on the couch, resting her hand on the blonde’s shoulder lightly to get her attention. “Is there anything I can get for you? Would you like to go lie down?”

Clarke shakes her head, “No, I should probably go.”

“Where?” Lexa asks, her concern evident.

“I should go talk to my cheating boyfriend,” she snickers, rolling her eyes. “Like I have room to talk, right?” she asks, looking hard into Lexa’ eyes.

“We kissed. That’s all. I’m sure you feel guilty but…wait, what do you mean your cheating boyfriend?” Lexa interrupts her previous thought process looking puzzled.

“Oh, well I went home, took a shower…after noticing the bed was made and not slept in.” She stands and starts putting on her sweater.

“Clarke, with all due respect that doesn’t mean he cheated on you, maybe he was just out?” 

Clarke rolls her eyes again, “Yeah, maybe,” she pauses, “and maybe him and his friends decided to play a game with the vacuum cleaner to see who could leave the most believable hickey on their necks. What do you think?”

“Don’t get shitty with me Clarke, I’m just trying to help here. I’m sorry. Did you ask him about it? I know it hurts, to be cheated on.” Lexa lowers her head slightly.

“No I didn’t ask, I didn’t need to know the details or know who it was. I can’t blame him can I?” She asks with exasperation and plops back down. “I mean, I kissed you, and he fucked someone else. It’s not like I was putting out anyway. It’s not even that he cheated, I just feel used…like something to pass the time. Maybe that’s what I’ve always been.” Standing back up she walks quickly towards the door.

“Not to me.” Lexa calls out, causing Clarke to stop briefly before turning back to her, eyes showing pain but curiosity as well. “I don’t know about Bellamy, and I don’t know about anyone else in your past, but I know you aren’t to me. Or Jaiden.”

Clarke gives her a small smile, “Thank you. Tell my Princess I said goodnight.” With that she walks out the door, down to her car and drives off into the night.

And she drives. She isn’t even sure where she is going. She needs to talk to Bellamy, but at the same time she just wants to be alone, to disappear for a while. Slamming her palm into her steering wheel she cranks up her stereo and cuts a u-turn heading towards his apartment. Now or never.

~

He didn’t notice her car in the lot but decides to call out her name anyway. “Clarke?! Are you here?” He checks the bedroom and the bathroom but nothing. Only silence greets him tonight. “Damnit.” Throwing his keys against the wall he sits down and puts his head in his hands. I was a dick. I need to apologize and try to explain. How could I not have noticed the freakin hickey on my neck? I know she did… His thoughts are interrupted as he hears the front door open.

“Hey,” he says as he enters the living room just as she walks in. “I’ve been looking for you and trying to reach you all day, where have you,” he pauses, noticing her wrapped hands, which were showing the slightest signs of blood soaking through. 

“What happened to you, are you okay?” he asks in concern and crosses the room quickly to reach for her hands only to have her jerk them back walk away from him.

“Don’t. Don’t even touch me.” She walks past him into the bedroom to her closet. She grabs a duffel bag and begins stuffing clothes inside.

“What do you think you’re doing? Leaving? Where are you going to go?” He asks, his voice beginning to seep with anger.

“Why do you care? Anywhere as long as it’s not here.” She turns and goes to the bathroom to grab her toothbrush and hairbrush. “I just need to leave for a while, I can’t be here.”

“Are you coming back? And where are you planning to go? You don’t have anywhere to go,” he says and she turns on him quickly, pain evident in her blue eyes.

“Nowhere to go? I can go anywhere I damn well please.” She zips her bag and starts past him only to have him grab her shoulder and be forcefully turned back towards him.

“Can you? You ran away from home because they didn’t want you. They couldn’t accept you. You ran here to me, the one person that can make it right for you and now you think you can leave and go somewhere else?” He stares at her, waiting for her response. He can see she was starting to back down, to falter like she always does. “You’re different Clarke, but together we can make it work. We can make life right for you.”

“No.” She hardens her resolve for once in her life, “If being who I am isn’t good enough, so be it. But I will not continue to lie to myself anymore.” She turns and heads again for the door. 

“What, is this because of my neck? Clarke STOP!” He yells after her and she pauses with her hand on the door. “I’m a guy. I have needs too, ya know? I’m trying to be patient with you but I was upset, I was drinking and it happened. Things like that have happened with you too. I ignored it and so did they. Can’t you forgive me this?”

She turns to look at him over her shoulder. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

“I’ll be here when you come back. You know you will once you see there’s no where for you to go.” He sighs as the door slams. 

~

Raven swipes her card and enters her gym. She looks around as she notices the lights are on and she can hear faint music coming from the office. Walking down the hallway she pauses and peers through the window on the door and lets out the breath she is holding when she notices Clarke sitting at the desk going through some papers. “Hey girly, how are you honey?”

Clarke looks up at her voice, not having heard Raven come in. “Hey, I’m just getting caught up. I’m sorry I left everything a mess the last couple days.”

Raven smiles and moves to sit beside her. “That’s okay, I figured you just needed a couple days to yourself. We sure have missed you around here though.”

Clarke smiles slightly. Her usual bubbly personality is gone. “So I’m caught up with all the new memberships, the newsletters have been sent out and all the payments are processed. All that’s left is the order entry which I’ll get finished up today.”

Raven stills the bruised and scabbed hands that are nervously straightening the desk unnecessarily. “Clarke, stop. Everything’s fine. Now why don’t you go and clean out your hands, they look like they could use it to heal faster. How are they feeling?”

“They’re fine really. Just need some air is all.” She brushes off Raven’s concern and stands, pulling a file from the inbox, “Lincoln must have slid this in the mail slot, I found it this morning.” She hands the file to Raven, “Looks like he’s paying for a few more kids to sign up for the beginners self defense class.”

Raven takes the file but keeps her eyes on Clarke. The blonde is avoiding her injuries and they look as if they might be getting infected. “Clarke really, would you please take care of those?” she asks motioning towards her hands. “And your shins I’m sure don’t look much better.”

“Raven please, I don’t need to be mothered. I gotta go. I picked up a few shifts over at the Springs Inn cleaning rooms.” She grabs her jacket and keys and makes her way towards the door. “I’ll finish the orders later tonight or first thing tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah sure, but Clarke, if you need some cash I’ll loan it to you, or give you more hours here…” Raven starts to offer but Clarke cut her off. 

“No, really. I think I just need to vary my life a little, but thanks.” And with that, she was gone.

Raven sighs in frustration and grabs her phone, punching in a number and chews on her nail as it rings. “Come on, pick up…” she mumbles under her breath. “Hey, I’m glad I caught you… we need to talk.”

~

An hour later Lexa rushes in with Jaiden on her heels. “Hey, I got here as soon as I could, what’s going on?” 

“Hi Auntie Raven” Jaiden smiles as she sits down in one of the chairs.

“Hey squirt.” Raven looks to Lexa, surprise evident on her face at the sight of the young girl. 

“I’ll explain later.” Turning to Jaiden she kneels down, “Hey baby do you want to go change into your workout clothes and turn the music on for everyone that’s on their way in? I saw Lincoln out there warming up too, go show him out it’s done!”

“Okay Momma!” The little girl giggles when Lexa kisses her cheek and runs out yelling, “Uncle Lincoln, here I come!”

Turning back to Raven Lexa sits down and waits. “So…?”

Raven sits and exhales slightly, “It’s Clarke. I’m worried about her Lexa.”

“Me too. I haven’t seen her the last couple of days. I tried calling but I feel like she’s avoiding me. I even called the apartment but Bellamy seems gruff and just keeps saying ‘she’s out’.

“She was here this morning. She caught up all the paperwork, which I don’t know what time she started but there was at least 6 hours worth.” Raven leans back and makes eye contact with Lexa.

“So why not check her card log? The computer will show what time she swiped in.” Lexa offers and walks around to face the computer screen with Raven as she pulls up the log. 

“I didn’t think of that, it’s all still pretty high tech for me with this new system. I can fix the mechanical shit but this computer business is Clarke’s…” Raven pulls her thick black hair back and focuses her attention to pulling up Clarke’s card access log. “That’s strange…”

“What?” Lexa leans down to look at the screen. “Last entry 23:59 last night?” 

Raven turns to Lexa, “I drive by Bellamy’s apartment building every day. It’s really easy to spot Clarke’s car from the highway. I haven’t seen it there the last few days. At all.”

Lexa sits back down and bites on her nail. “Bellamy keeps saying she’s out. You think she’s moved out, or staying at a hotel?” She waits for Raven’s response…but none comes. “Rave?”

“I think she’s been crashing here.”

Lexa looks up in surprise. “Here? What?” She stands and turns the monitor towards her. “God…all her entries are just before midnight. The last three nights.”

“The cleaners usually leave around 11-11:30. The primary security locks are activated at midnight.” Raven put her head in her hands, “I didn’t even think twice when I noticed the toothbrush in the bathroom yesterday. Lexa you have to talk to her. Something’s wrong and I’m worried about her.”

Lexa grabs her keys, “Can you and Lincoln watch Jaiden for a while? I have an idea on where she might be.”

“Oh sure, but she told me she’s been picking up extra shifts over at the Springs Inn. I think she needs the extra money; maybe to find her own place?”

Lexa feels a knot tighten in her stomach. “Yeah, maybe.”

~


	9. There's a certain kind of madness, That just cannot be explained. Under sympathetic sadness, Beastly anger left untamed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things go a little too far before we realize what has happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive the delay. Short chapter but at least we're getting somewhere closer... :)  
> Thanks for sticking with me.

~

CH 9

~

 

“Yame!” _Stop!_  

She grins as the blood drips down her chin and she spits out what has pooled in her mouth. She rolls her shoulders and stretches her neck as she readies herself. The girl is good, better than the others she had faced so far. She is actually getting a challenge out of this one.   _About damn time…_

She waits for the command of the new round to begin and goes still. She takes in the sounds around her and centers her focus. Her hands are up, her eyes calculating her adversary who is bouncing back and forth from foot to foot. She grins again, knowing the girl is hoping to throw her off but she remains still and steady, waiting for her to make the first move. When it comes to a fight, Clarke is nothing if not patient. The girl may have gotten in a good strike in the last battle, but this war is far from over. A good tactician doesn’t make a move until she has seen all the angles.

This woman underestimates Clarke’s fire. She underestimates her will. She underestimates the pain she’s trying desperately to escape; or to at least numb for a little while.

And underestimating Clarke will be this poor girl’s downfall in this fight.

“Hajime!” _Begin!_

 

~

 

She sighs and smiles. That was the best match she has had yet. The girl was fast and strong and her moves weren’t as predictable as others Clarke had faced. It was refreshing. It was also glorious when she knocked the cocky girl out in the third round. She pulls her bag over her shoulder and grabs the envelope of money being handed to her. 

“Nice work Blondie. I haven’t seen a fight that good in months!” The organizer of the event smiles as he watches her count the money. “It’s a grand, I wouldn’t cheat you.”

Clarke shrugs, “Never can be too sure. Thanks Mick.”

“Hey sure, like I said, great fight. The crowd loved it. Sage was our reigning champion and never lost a fight before.” He says as they hear the door to the locker room slam.

“That’s because she hadn’t fought me before.” She doesn’t know where her smug attitude is coming from. She’s never like this. Maybe it is the adrenaline rush. She shrugs, not caring to figure it out.

“Or maybe you just got lucky, bitch.” She and Mick turn to see the girl walking towards them. “And maybe you should think about splitting the winnings.”

Clarke outright laughs and rolls her eyes. “Uh no. Have a good night.” She turns and heads out the door, hearing Mick talking to the woman. She can’t even remember what her name is even though he just told her. Not that she gives a damn. She doesn’t care about anything in this moment.

The night air is cool as she steps outside and she takes a deep breath, happy to be free of the smelly basement where they hold these bouts. They can’t hold them anywhere else; this type of shit is illegal, but she can’t bring herself to care. She needs the money, she needs the release and this solves both of those problems.

“Hey dyke, we’re not done yet!”

She takes a deep breath and lets her shoulders drop as she turns around to face this relentless woman. “What is your problem?”

“You’re my problem. I own this place and you come in a couple nights and think you’re the best?” The woman is in her face and Clarke can’t help but smirk at the bruise forming at her temple where her last backhand landed knocking her out, which won her the fight. “You think this is funny?”

Clarke shakes her head, “Yeah, funniest thing I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with for months. Look, I never said I was the best, but tonight you weren’t. Take the loss and move on.” She turns again to head to her car when she’s shoved from behind and her bag falls from her shoulder. “Seriously?” She turns around, fire in her eyes.

“Come on, right here right now. Let’s see if you can pull that shit again. That grand in your pocket says you can’t.” The girl raises her hands and begins to shuffle back and forth from foot to foot.

Clarke again rolls her eyes. “I won. It’s my cash so piss off.” She leans down and grabs her bag as a leg comes up and nearly catches her in the face, but she avoids it at the last second. She forgets her bag, letting it drop back to the ground and glares. “You really don’t want to do this with me.”

“I think I do,” she says as she lunges forward attempting to swing at Clarke’s head who simply ducks and steps to the side.

“That’s pathetic,” she growls as heat floods her body and she lets go of the last bit of control she was holding onto and sweeps the girl’s leg knocking her to the ground, watching her land hard on her back.

 

~

 

“Clarke!”

“Clarke!”

“Goddamit Clarke stop!”

The haze starts to fade and the sounds around her come back into focus as the rushing of the blood recedes and she takes in her surroundings. Her hands hurt, her fists are bloody, someone has a grip on her upper arms from behind and a crumbled form of a crying girl is at her feet.

She turns towards the voice that was calling her name and tries to regain her breath. “I-“ she stops. What could she say?

It starts coming back to her in a rush. Winning the fight, collecting her money and walking out to her car when she’s shoved from behind. The girl from the fight wasn’t finished with her; upset that she had won the match and wanted the money she thought she deserved.

She remembers the fight starting and she remembers the girl throwing a slur at her about her sexual orientation. _How would she know?_ And she remembers everything fading away until this moment and again she looks at the girl on the ground crying and holding her bloody face. It’s obvious her nose is broken and one eye is nearly swollen shut.

She turns more fully now and sees Lexa. Her grip on her remains firm but not to harm her, just to keep her still. She swallows hard as the panic begins to set in and she can’t let anyone see her like this, especially not Lexa. “Please,” she starts and tries to move away but Lexa simply moves with her.

“Clarke, look at me.”

She can’t. How can she look into those eyes after what she’s done? _What have I become?_

“Clarke stop. I know what you’re thinking.” Lexa tries to make eye contact with her but Clarke remains stubborn and is looking anywhere but at Lexa; the ground, the cars in the parking lot around them, the sky.

She snorts out a pained laugh and rolls her eyes even as the tears begin pooling. “You always seem to know, don’t you?”

“I know you, Clarke.” Lexa states softly and slides one hand down Clarke’s arm and grabs onto her hand. She doesn’t pull away even when Clarke can’t bring herself to squeeze back.

Clarke herself wants to squeeze back, she wants to take solace in Lexa, but her hands hurt and she feels ashamed and undeserving of the other woman’s comfort. “How can you know me when I don’t even know myself?” She looks off into the distance and tries to catch her breath. She feels Lexa step away just a step, but her hand never leaves Clarke’s. She’s talking to someone and Clarke feels she should hear what’s being said, but she can’t bring herself to focus on the words.

It’s only a moment before an arm is around her shoulders and leading her away. “My car is back there,” Clarke starts but can see Lexa shaking her head out of the corner of her eye.

“We’ll get your car tomorrow, for now we’re taking mine.” They stop beside Lexa’s car and she opens the door and ushers Clarke inside. “You are coming home with me. Please do not argue.” She watches as Lexa tosses her bag into the back seat. She didn’t even realize she had forgotten it.

Clarke simply nods. What more can she do at this point? She is in no position to question or fight with Lexa. She’s exhausted and in pain and while she feels she deserves it, she can’t bring herself to fight anymore right now. Her mind may be racing one minute and numb the next, but it doesn’t stop a bright smile and soulful eyes popping into her mind. “Jaiden?”

She turns towards Lexa slightly, looking at her profile in the light of the moon shining into the car. She see’s Lexa’s lips quirk upwards in a small smile at the mention of her daughter. “She’s okay, she’s staying with Raven tonight, don’t worry.”

“Lexa look, I’m-“

“No. Just don’t Clarke. Please do not apologize to me; there is no need for it. Lets just get home, get you cleaned up and rested. We will talk tomorrow.” Lexa turns and catches Clarke’s eyes. “Okay?” She see’s Clarke swallow and can tell she’s struggling not to break their eye contact.

Clarke nods once and while she wants to look away, she finds that she cannot in this moment. She doesn’t know what it is, but there is something in Lexa’s eyes that are keeping her grounded. However Lexa is driving and has to look away after a few moments.

“I mean it Clarke, I will lock you in my apartment if I have to. No sneaking out in the middle of the night. Please.” She turns again to look at Clarke and catches her eyes once more. “Please don’t leave again.”

Clarke inhales sharply and she took looks back to the road as she see’s them pulling into Lexa’s apartment complex. “Why do you care so much?”

“I just do Clarke. You know I do, and even though you don’t understand it, it doesn’t change the facts.” Lexa parks the car and turns off the ignition. “You can deny it if you want, but you feel it to.” She gets out of the car and is at Clarke’s side in an instant and is opening the door and holding out her hand expectantly.

Clarke takes her hand and uses it as leverage to stand up out of the vehicle.  Once the door is shut both women hesitate as they stand staring at each other with only a foot of space between them. “So…”

“Let’s go inside.” Lexa says and lets her hand lightly press into the small of Clarke’s back as she guides her inside. She doesn’t comment on the fact that Clarke ignored what she said. She knows Clarke feels the same way she does, but she also knows something is holding her back. Lexa is nothing if not patient.

 

~

 

She steps out of the shower with steam filling the room. After patting herself dry she walks over to the mirror and wipes away a spot so that she can look at her face. She’s had worse, but she will definitely sport a nice sized bruise on her left cheek and she has a small cut on her bottom lip. She glares at her reflection and holds the towel tighter to her chest. _What am I becoming?_ _Or have I already become someone so unrecognizable?_

Flashes of her childhood rush back at her.

_You aren’t good enough._

_You aren’t trying hard enough._

_You can do better._

_I_ _s that the best you can do?_

She closes her eyes tightly and grips the counter, breathing deeply. She’s not a child anymore, but then her teen years weren’t any better.

_Why are you taking that class, it’s too advanced for you._

_Why did you quit a team sport? At least then there were others that could help make you look better._

_Martial arts? Do you think you’ll get anywhere with that?_

_You aren’t good enough._

_You can do better._

She grits her teeth and her knuckles turn white with the force she has on the countertop.

And then there’s the day they found out you were dating a woman. You can still see the bible coming towards your head. You can still hear your father’s words like a knife blade across your skin. You can still remember the familiar taste of blood. You still see the looks.

You vividly remember the threat that still looms over you to this day. The threat that takes any chance of happiness out of your life. The threat no one can help you with.

“Clarke?”

She turns towards the door that Lexa is standing outside of. “I’m…fine.” She sighs, not even believing her own words and knowing Lexa won’t either.

“Can I come in?”

She stares at the door for a moment, realizing Lexa obviously can’t see her nod. “Yes.”

Lexa enters slowly and averts her eyes away from Clarke who still just wearing a towel and holds some clothes out. “Here, some shorts and a tank top to sleep in. If you would like something else just let me know.”

“No, this is good, thank you Lexa.” She takes the clothes and watches as Lexa nods and turns to leave.

“Lexa?” She doesn’t know why she’s stopping her. She knows anything she says or asks now are things that shouldn’t be, but she just can’t stop herself as Lexa pauses with her hand on the door frame and turns back to lock her eyes with Clarke’s waiting.

“What do you feel when you look at me?” Her voice breaks near the end and she has to swallow back the insecurity she feels as she waits for an answer. Lexa is looking at her, but it’s not a look of someone thinking about what they want to say. It’s not a look of consideration or confusion. It’s a look of knowing, of feeling. It’s a look that says the answer should be the most obvious thing in the entire world.

“Everything, Clarke. When I look at you I feel _everything_.”

 ~

 


	10. Author's Note - We love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can contact us:
> 
> lilianafox.tumblr.com  
>  nickolefox.tumblr.com

Dear readers,

 

we want to give you a few words in regards to the episode of the100 ‚thirteen‘ which aired last Thursday.

 

If you haven’t watched that episode and if you are emotionally attached – please don’t watch it. There are already reports of people committing suicide because of it.

 

First of all:

 

We love you, every one of you. We feel with you and we will work to make up, even a little, for what happened. You are not alone. If you feel alone, please don’t hesitate to contact us to talk. You don’t need to give us personal information unless you wish to. If you just need someone to talk to – we are here.

 

Second of all:

 

We do not hold any grudge against the cast of the100. We appreciate the work of Eliza Taylor and Alycia Debnam-Carey as well as Marie Avgeropoulos, Lindsey Morgan, Adina Porter and every other member of the cast to give us a great performance and many hours of joy and peace.

 

We understand that Alycia Debnam-Carey had to make a choice and was more or less given no option than to ‘leave’ the show. We thank her for her wonderful work and wish her only the best.

 

We do NOT appreciate how Jason wrote off her character ‘Lexa’ from the show.

 

It is public that he said ‘he didn’t know how much this would affect the fandom’. We call bullshit on that. He of all people knew.

 

In fact, it is impossible to make everyone happy. He had the choice to make Bellarker’s (hello there) happy, or to make the Clexa’s happy. He decided to shatter us all. And I call all Bellarker’s (and I can’t believe I am saying this right now) and Clexa’s US. We all got heartbroken and shattered just because of ONE MAN being it the right place to make all the wrong decisions.

 

I for myself decided that I won’t give him what he needs and I will stop watching the100. My wife will keep watching it, but not live.

 

We both are and will always be part of the Clexa fandom and the community. We feel with you.

 

Life has been rough on us, which is why we didn’t find the time to write much lately. It will get better.

 

‘Oso Gonplei nou ste Odon’ will be finished, I will start writing on it again tomorrow and after I finished it, I will start on an alternate ending and further story to the third season of the100.

 

‘Understanding’ will be finished, my wife will start on it as soon as possible, please bear with us here.

 

‘There is Always Something’ will be laid on ice for a while, the plot of the story may be too much for some of our readers and we decided to turn it down until we will be able to post the WHOLE story at once, so you won’t suffer.

 

We thank all of you for your ongoing support, your comments and we thank all of you for simply being who you are. Hang in there, it will get better. You are not alone, and you are loved and you will always have the community and the fandom you belong to. You are part of this as we are, and we are happy and grateful for every one of you.

 

We repeat this again – if you feel the need to talk, if you need some comfort, please don’t give up and contact us. We are not the only ones to offer support – you are not alone.

 

With all the love we got

 

Nickole & Liliana

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can contact us:
> 
> lilianafox.tumblr.com  
>  nickolefox.tumblr.com


	11. I do not understand you, Though grateful for your love. The demon is an old friend, You cannot free me of.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking down the walls, every chip and crack, every dirty deed  
> But just because the walls are broken, doesn't mean they bleed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all,
> 
> I know it has been a ridiculously long time between updates, but between the fandom's loss and this story being quite personal on many levels, it needed a rest. It's been coming back slowly, and I want to get it done, so here is the next chapter.
> 
> As always, all things can trigger someone, so please take caution, as this chapter will deal with some internal demons, but nothing too heavy in my mind. I will warn you accordingly in the future. Okay?
> 
> For those of you still reading, thank you for sticking around. I really can't express how much I appreciate it.
> 
> Love and hugs,  
> Nickole

.~.

Clarke makes her way to the couch, a slight smile tugging at her lips when she sees a pillow and blanket already laid out. Lexa’s voice stops her before she gets a chance to lay down though and she really wants to lay down. She’s exhausted.

“No.”

Clarke turns to the brunette, her brow furrowed. “No?” Any other day Clarke thinks her mind would be sharp enough to understand such a simple word, but right now it’s like a foreign language.

“That’s not for you, I’ll be sleeping there tonight. You will take my bed.” Lexa takes a chance and holds her hand out in front of her. She watches Clarke watching her. She waits for her to object, knowing she will.

And she does.

“Lexa no, I can,” – Clarke stops as Lexa sighs and raises her eyes to the ceiling before gently taking Clarke’s hand without her permission and pulling her back towards the hallway.

“Please do not fight me Clarke, not tonight.” Lexa directs her back into the bathroom and takes care to disinfect her hands and apply ointment and wrap them gently. “You weren’t even going to tend to these?”

Clarke sighs but doesn’t answer. She know she should, but part of her felt she deserved to hurt a little more for what she had done. Why dress them? What is the point?

“Do you want to hurt me, Clarke?”

Clarke’s head shoots up and her eyes lock with Lexa’s as she finished putting away the medical supplies. “Hurt you? No! Why would I?” Her thoughts become clouded…is Lexa afraid of her?

“I’m not afraid of you Clarke, wipe that panicked look off your beautiful face please.” Lexa kneels down in front of where Clarke sits in her bathroom chair. “This,” Lexa touches her hands gently, “and these,” she softly traces Clarke’s bruised face and cut lip, “they hurt me.”

Clarke swallows, unsure of what to say, although she only has one question. “Why?” She watches Lexa’s eyes, seeing them becoming glossy, but the tears refusing to fall.

“Because I care Clarke. You know I do, just as you know I feel more for you than you’re willing to admit to yourself.” Lexa stands and pulls Clarke with her gently and leads her to her bedroom. “Please get some sleep. I wish to talk to you in the morning. Please grant me that before you take off again.”

Clarke can’t stop the lump in her throat and her chest becomes heavier and tight. Despite everything else in her life, how she feels about herself, how she knows her future is doomed, she doesn’t want to hurt Lexa. Or Jaiden.

She looks towards the bed and then back to Lexa, seeing her hesitating at the door waiting for a response. She nods her head and sees Lexa do the same before turning away. “Lexa.” She doesn’t know why she keeps calling out for her. Her mind screams at her not to, but she does it anyway.

“Yes?”

She looks back towards the bed again. “It’s big enough, you don’t need to sleep on the couch. Would you…” she trails off, biting her lip at her weakness. She wants to feel Lexa close. She wants the comfort of this incredible woman before her, but she knows she doesn’t deserve it.

“Why do you do that?”

Lexa is approaching her again and pulls back her duvet and waits for Clarke to lie down and then joins her, keeping a respectable distance between them, even though she would much rather have the blonde in her arms.

“Do what?” Clarke’s voice is heavy in the dark room, her body near the end of its energy supply.

“You want to ask something of me and then it’s like you fight yourself and stop. Why?” Lexa’s voice is soft and she leans a bit closer.

“Because I don’t deserve it from you and because,” again Clarke stops. She doesn’t open up to people, it’s not her thing. And yet, here is Lexa and she feels like any safety precautions she’s built around herself have just come crashing down against her will. She wants to open up to Lexa. Her breath catches slightly when she feels a soft hand on her arm. “Because if I ask and it doesn’t happen, then I’m never disappointed or hurt.”

It’s quiet for a few moments before Lexa speaks. “That’s happened to you a lot in the past, hasn’t it?” 

It’s dark, but Lexa can see as well as feel Clarke’s slight shrug. “It really doesn’t matter.”

“But it does Clarke.” Lexa licks her lips, “Look, I know you don’t trust or open up easily, and I’m sure there’s good reasons, more than what you’ve already told me. I don’t expect you to trust me right away with the rest, but I will ask that you give me a chance to prove to you that I won’t let you down.”

Clarke turns her head and can see Lexa’s face in the light of the moon shining through her window. She’s beautiful. “I will try.”

Lexa smiles and leans just a bit closer and feels Clarke scoot over some, their bodies nearly touching. “That’s good enough for me. Thank you, Clarke. Sleep well.”

Clarke takes a deep breath and lays her hand over Lexa’s. “Good night Lexa.”

She waits a few moments until she believes Lexa to be sleeping before raising her hand and brushing the fallen hair off of her forehead. Lexa instills a peace in her she’s been searching for all her life. It feels good, but it also terrifies her. “Thank you for helping me.” She whispers and closes her eyes, her hand resting back upon Lexa’s.

“Thank you for letting me.” Comes the soft and sleepy reply. 

The weight on her chest eases.

.~.

The smell of bacon wakes her and she rubs at her tired eyes and cringes when she rubs too hard over her bruised face. “Ow..”

“Yeah, that’s going to be sore for a few days.” Lexa approaches the side of the bed and pulls the cover back. “Up you go.” She holds out her hand, pleased when Clarke takes it without hesitating and stands up.

“That smells wonderful.” Clarke admits as her stomach rumbles.

“I thought you might be hungry. I can eat my weight in bacon so I’m frying a lot. Go shower and relax some. I’ve laid out clean clothes for you.” Lexa says and ushers her out of the bedroom.

“I just showered last night?” Clarke questions and scratches at her head.

Lexa just grins at her. “Will you feel more awake and relaxed if you shower this morning?”

Clarke feels her cheeks heating up. “Yes.”

“Then go. Don’t rush, but don’t take too long. I can’t guarantee the bacon will last.” She jokes with her and is pleased to see a smile.

“Okay, thanks.”

.~.

Just ten minutes later finds Clarke sitting at the small table Lexa has in her apartment and her eyes wide at the feast before her. Lexa wasn’t joking when she said she would prepare a lot of bacon, but there was also toast, eggs and fruit. “Do you usually go this crazy for breakfast?”

Lexa laughs, “Not during the week but on weekends. Jai and I like to eat.”

“I’m sorry she’s missing this,” Clarke replies. “When is she due home?”

“Anytime, but Raven said she’d keep her. I didn’t know how you’d feel about her being here.” Lexa replies honestly as she pours some juice into their glasses.

“Lexa, this is your home and your daughter does not need to be kept away because of me.” She pauses, “Unless you don’t want me around her, or her to see me like this in which case I will leave because I would understand and she should be here in her home and not me”- she finds two fingers covering her lips.

“You’re rambling. It’s cute, but stop, it’s unnecessary and you’re being ridiculous.” Lexa shakes her head and pulls her fingers away. “Jaiden is smart, and she’s seen me with bruises too. And as for if I don’t want you around her, that’s absurd. She adores you and I think you like her too, yes?”

“I am smitten by that little girl.” Clarke replies honestly and lowers her eyes.

“Good.” Lexa picks up her phone and replies to a text. “She’ll be here in ten.”

Clarke smiles and begins to eat. She really does love the company of Lexa’s daughter and will be happy to see her. And maybe she’ll get out of a conversation about last night with the girl here too. Bonus.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of talking with me like you agreed.” Lexa looked at her with her eyebrow raised and a piece of bacon dangling out of her lips. She laughs at the look on Clarke’s face. “What?”

Clarke merely shakes her head and continues eating, although she’s beginning to wonder if Lexa can read her mind.

.~.

Breakfast was relaxed and fun. Jaiden had them both giggling with her walrus impersonation using two strips of bacon and Clarke enjoyed the slight pain in her stomach from laughing. For once, it was a good pain.

They had explained to Jaiden about Clarke’s wounds. Jaiden knew they both liked to compete and her only worry was if Clarke still won the match or not. She didn’t know it wasn’t a regulated fight, but there’s only so much a child needs to know right now. Clarke could only assure her, through slightly gritted teeth at the memory, that she had won the match. Jaiden said she’d work with her on blocking. Clarke had laughed.

Now they find themselves sitting once again in Lexa’s living room, sipping on beer and tip toeing around their discussion. Jaiden is playing in her room with one of the neighbors children.

“I’m not sure what you want me to say.” Clarke is the first to break the second round of silence since they sat down.

“Anything you want.” Lexa is relaxed on the couch, hoping to show Clarke there is no rush and no demand, just support and attention.

Clarke sighs and leans her head back onto the couch. “Please just…ask me something. I don’t know how to start or where.”

Lexa sits her beer down on the coffee table and pulls her feet underneath her and faces Clarke who occupies the opposite side of the couch. “Can you tell me how long you’ve been fighting illegally for cash, and why you need the money?”

“I don’t need the money.” Clarke looks at her. “It’s more about the fight, something I’m deciding to do for myself and letting fate have a hand in it.”

“Something you can control to an extent?” Lexa asks, trying to piece together the puzzle and mystery that is Clarke.

“Something like that, yeah.”

The room goes quiet. The only sounds heard are the game sounds from Jaiden’s room and laughter. They sit, just looking into each other eyes and while with anyone else, Clarke would feel awkward or uncomfortable, she finds comfort in Lexa’s eyes.

Lexa uses the relaxed posture and the openness she sees in Clarke’s eyes to fuel her confidence as she slides a little closer to the blonde. She still doesn’t touch her, but at this distance, they can feel the heat of each other’s skin. “I’m here Clarke, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Clarke swallows a lump in her throat. She desperately wants to believe Lexa. She feels it, but her past haunts her and fuels the worry of her future, of the threat that looms over her. She grinds her teeth and feels the muscle in her jaw tense.

“What is it?” Lexa asks softly and slowly reaches out her hand. She watches Clarke look at her quizzically before shaking her head and laughing softly.

“How do you do that? I mean really…” Clarke mumbles and continues to look at Lexa in a mix of confusion and awe.

“What, sense what you’re feeling?” Lexa shrugs at Clarke’s nod. “I don’t know, I just can. I notice every little thing about you Clarke, even things you may not realize yourself.” 

She smiles as Clarke places her hand in Lexa’s that was still open and waiting for her, resting on the couch between them. She strokes her thumb over the back of her hand. “I see your eyes flicker, get lighter or darker, harder or softer. I see the flex of your jaw when something crosses your mind that hurts or angers you. I see you, Clarke.”

The lump that was already forming in her throat feels like it’s blocking her airway and Clarke struggles to take a deep breath. She feels flushed and warm around the neck and it’s not a sensation she is used to. Lexa makes her feel things. Lexa makes her feel.

“He was supposed to fix me.”

Her eyes go wide when the words leave her mouth. She didn’t intend to say that, but it’s out now anyway. She watches as Lexa furrows. “He? Fix what?”

Clarke stands up abruptly, beginning to pace. “Oh god I didn’t mean to say that.”

Lexa stands and slowly approaches her, gently resting her hands on Clarke’s shoulder, afraid she would pull away. She’s surprised when Clarke turns and buries her face into Lexa’s neck and wraps her arms around her tightly. “Shh, I’m here Clarke, you’re safe. You’re okay.” She rubs her hands gently up and down her back.

“But I’m not. Maybe right now, with you, but out there…” She shakes her head and Lexa can feel a slight wetness on her neck and realizes Clarke is crying. “They will ruin me.”

“Can you talk to me about it? If you want?” Lexa whispers softly into her hair, placing soft kisses against the blonde’s head. “I’ll help you in any way that I can. We can do this together Clarke, but I can’t help you with what I don’t know.”

Clarke sniffles and pulls back, shaking her head. “You’re already too close. He knows enough to consider you a threat, and if he knows, they know. If they know, they’ll find something to use against you to get to me. I shouldn’t have, I got too close. I’m so sorry.”

She’s panicking and Lexa has to let her mind catch up a moment before she takes off after Clarke who is grabbing her jacket and heading for her door. “Clarke, no. Please.”

“I’ve already put you at risk, that was so selfish of me! I can’t let it get worse. I can’t let them hurt you or Jaiden. Oh god, Jaiden. They’d try to use her against you, take her or I don’t know what they’re capable of but I can’t let them.”

“Clarke, whoa, just breathe. Give me five minutes, I beg you.” Lexa has her hands on Clarke’s forearms, struggling to hold Clarke’s eyes with her own in their panic.

Clarke stills for a moment, takes a deep breath and looks into Lexa’s eyes with a look that Lexa can only describe as desperate and longing. “I let myself think I could actually be happy, that was my mistake.”

“No, your mistake is trying to fight whatever it is alone. Please, just tell me what you mean.” Lexa all but begs her.

“Bellamy.” Clarke whispers, “They said he would fix me. He was my best friend, I thought I could make it work and just go along to get along, you know?” She sniffles and shakes her head. “Something changed, even with his friendship, but he always passed it off, said it was me. It’s always me. There’s always something wrong with me.”

The tears pour down her face without her permission and she gives up trying to stop them. Lexa pulls her in close, stroking her back and keeping one hand at the back of her neck. It’s warm, it’s comforting. Clarke struggles, but Lexa just holds her tighter. “Stop fighting me, Clarke.”

Lexa guides Clarke away from the door and into her room. She pulls the curtains and then removes Clarke’s shoes, and then her jacket from her still clutched hands. Keeping her hand on Clarke, she crawls onto her bed and pulls her into her. Clarke sighs, giving in and curls herself against Lexa’s warm body. She shivers and buries her face against Lexa’s chest and neck, her body only relaxing once Lexa has covered them and the soothing motion of her hand stroking her back has resumed.

Lexa waits a few moments, kissing Clarke’s forehead to assure her, and then begins to speak. “I spent a large part of my life taking care of someone else. I tried to do right, be what was needed, always put myself last.” She pauses, considering her next words. “My life would be so much different if I hadn’t met her. Better in more ways than I can count, but without her, I wouldn’t have Jaiden. For that little girl, I would suffer the world 1000 times over.”

Clarke is quiet, but Lexa can tell by her breathing that she is still awake, and intently listening. “Costia found me in a weak moment in her life. Her parents weren’t around, she wanted to go to school, but she was a mess. Completely unable to take care of herself, and I was all too willing to let myself drown in someone; to feel wanted and needed…useful. We had good moments, but she knew what game she was playing with me…with my heart. With my emotions and my mental state, and yet she played them anyway.” 

“Jaiden’s father…she was actually engaged to him. Truth be told I never got all the details about why he called it off, only that he did. Although now I think I can guess.” Lexa feels Clarke’s eyebrow raise in question, but continues on when she doesn’t speak. 

“We were together a year when I found out she was pregnant…which meant she cheated on me. It was with her ex. We broke up, because I couldn’t handle the cheating or the emotional manipulation I was starting to feel, and yet I couldn’t abandon that little girl. He died before she was born, and Costia could barely take care of herself let alone a child, so I stayed in her life, simply to keep Jaiden in mine.”

“You see Clarke; I know what it means to want to sacrifice yourself for someone else. But the difference is, you can’t make those decisions for someone else. You can give them the facts, the truth, and let them decide for themselves how to proceed. You just have to be okay with what they decide. So when I tell you, I want to know you, you have to take that leap of faith to open up, and then not push me away when I decide to stay.”

The room goes quest now, only a few light breaths heard and two hearts beating in tandem.

“I have questions, but you opened up to me so it’s only fair I do the same. Right?” Clarke’s voice is soft, but slightly strained.

“I will tell you anything you want to know, but I am at peace with what happened to me, and how things are now. We need to get you to that point Clarke, but it is up to you.” Lexa pulls her a bit closer and nuzzles her nose into her hair. She feels Clarke sink into her and can’t stop the rush of emotion that floods through her.

“Alright.” Clarke sighs out and Lexa can feel her swallow against her chest. “It started when I was 13.”

.~.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a little hard on Clarke, opening up on some things, reliving some painful moments of her past. But that with Lexa's help, will heal her. And they will heal each other.
> 
> No fear though, they are one, and I won't hurt you by hurting them.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	12. I really tried to tell you, run away whilst free. While I try to uncover, what’s really haunting me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke opens up to Lexa about an event in her life that in some ways, still haunts her today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Learning a language, real life...you know. Plus, these next few chapters are a little difficult to write, and before I didn't think it was really good timing. But, maybe there is no good timing. /shrugs
> 
> Please enjoy, but also please be warned that this chapter and the following will contain talks of a psychiatric hospital and some interesting minor character situations in the following chapters. Don't worry, nothing graphic and if and when that ever happens, you'll be warned.

**~**

 

Clarke closes her eyes, trying to mentally prepare herself. She can feel Lexa beneath her, breathing calmly, keeping herself steady: safe. She sighs, with thoughts of what Lexa may think of everything she has to say…if she would believe her, would she blame her, would she ask her to leave? _She said she would stay_. Clarke grips on to Lexa tighter. “I’m not going anywhere Clarke.” She hears the words whispered against her head and takes another breath.

 

“I think that I always kind of knew that I was different. In many ways, but mainly in the fact that I liked girls the way all the other girls were liking boys. No one around me, no other girls, seemed to be that way. Sure, small town, but I felt like the only one. An outsider amongst people that were my friends and family, and they had no idea.”

 

“I was always into martial arts, even before I began taking classes at 12. I loved watching movies or TV shows that had any type of fight scenes that weren’t just bar fights, you know? I used to watch them with my grandpa all the time. That and westerns, of course.” She smiled fondly, if not a little sadly, at the memory. “I had one true friend in this time, a cousin. He was…like the sun. Always smiling and happy, and who just accepted people as they were. He accepted me as I was.  He knew about me, without me even saying a word. And he just smiled and held my hand. If only…”

 

Clarke stops and clears her throat, wiping angrily at a few tears that have escaped. “I can tell you more about him later, but for now let’s just say that other than growing up with horses to ride and for a few years, tournaments to fight, I had no one. The loneliness and sadness began at 13 when he, my cousin and best friend, died. Later on, when I was 16, I found someone. Well, thought I had, but I screwed up. I screwed up badly and there was no one there to help me.”

 

**_ Flashback – Spring 2009 _ **

 

_The last of the snow had melted and in its place, was rain, warmer air, and wet earth. The sun was shining and despite the pit in her stomach, Clarke got into her car and drove to her dojo for class, like she had every Saturday morning for almost four years._

_She knew things were off, they had been for a couple weeks. Her secret girlfriend, Jocelyn, had been avoiding her at school as well as on the phone, but she would see her today, because she was in the same karate class. Well, if she showed up to this one. She didn’t last week. Sick, they had said._

_As she went inside the dojo, every hair on her neck stood up. There was a chill in the air, the kind that tells you to turn around and go back the way you came and never look back. But Clarke was fearless despite the lump in her throat. She went to the back to change and as she entered the changing area, there was Jocelyn. She looked completely void of any emotion. Clarke stepped forward, to ask what was wrong, to say anything, but was greeted with a raised hand and a shake of a head that stopped her in her tracks. Jocelyn continued out and Clarke felt the knot in her stomach grow to the point of feeling sick. She picked up her bag and turned for the door, and was cut off by Jocelyn, who suddenly came back in and grabbed her, kissed her gently once on the lips and looked into her eyes as if she was trying to deliver a message she couldn’t speak aloud, and then pushed Clarke back left. That was the last time she would see a glimpse of her for 2 months. It was the last time she would be able to speak to her for nearly 6 years._

_She changed in a numbing silence. Her gi was on, all but her belt that she held tightly in her left hand. All students put them on together at the same time at the beginning of class. She grabbed her bag and made her way out._

_Being raised in a small town, sadly comes with all that you hear about. Mainly the small-town politics and the fear of anything different. And Clarke was different. She stupidly fell for a girl, and they weren’t as discrete as they thought._

_Clarke wouldn’t find out until later, but apparently, Jocelyn’s mother had found a note from Clarke, and despite not signing her name, had recognized her handwriting. Rather than confront them right away, she was making her own preparations, devising her own course of action and all the while just keeping them apart and Clarke in the dark as to what was coming._

_As Clarke entered the meeting area of the dojo, she felt the eyes on her. There were only a few sets, she was always early, but when the hulking figure of the owner and main Sensei came toward her, she felt her fists tighten; one hand on her belt and the other on the coarse straps of her bag and gripping them both tightly. “Walk with me, let’s get some air” he had said, and led her outside. He stood with his hands on his hips for a moment before speaking. He didn’t even look at her. Just stood there looking at the sun._

_“I think it’s best if you go on home now. Things…well things are going on and, we can’t have that here.” He sighed, as if what he was saying was hard for him, but Clarke could tell by his voice that it wasn’t hard, he was just ready to be done with it and get on with his day. “Maybe when things settle down, you can come on back.” He turned towards the door, still not looking at her. She felt the cold settling in on her, and the once shining and warm sun hid behind a cloud as the wind picked up. “Go on now.”_

_Clarke said nothing, she simply walked to her car and numbly threw her bag into the back. She wasn’t stupid. She knew there would be no going back. She knows how things feel when they’re ending or gone. She’d felt it before. She ripped off her gi top and tossed it in the back seat with her bag, and grabbed her old tie-dyed Marley shirt to throw on over her sports bra. She looked down, still holding her belt in her hand tightly. Brown with a black stripe. She had one final test to receive her black belt. A test that was planned for 6 weeks from this very day. She gripped the belt tighter before slowly uncurling her fists, and letting it fall to the dirty gravel parking lot._

_It was the most disrespectful thing she had ever done, to something and somewhere she had considered her life, her home…her calling._

_She got in her car and drove._

“So, because of this girl’s mother not approving of her daughter liking a girl, they kicked you out.” Lexa summarized and stroked Clarke’s hair gently. She felt Clarke nod against her. “But things continued from there?”

 

Clarke took a slow breath. “Of course they did. They couldn’t let such a thing spread and have anyone in town thinking their daughter was a lesbian. They couldn’t have their name be tarnished in such a way. And neither could the school by association.” Clarke adjusted herself slightly, her brow creased. “You know, it’s interesting actually. Before things really escalated further, my grandpa actually made a point to go and talk to Jim, the Sensei, to figure out why, regardless of the rest, they would make one of their best students leave, to abandon her, when the rest had nothing to do with them. But that is where the politics came in.”

 

Lexa thought about it, but couldn’t quite understand where Clarke was going with this. “I don’t follow.”

 

“If it had been a matter of me or her, nothing else, they would have split the classes or found a way to make it work. But see, her entire family was wrapped up in the school. Her dad helped teach, despite sucking, her mom helped with the books and accounting, and two of Jocelyn’s sisters attended classes now and then. They had more money invested into the school than I did. So therefore, I was the clear choice of who to let go of. They cut their losses, saved some money and reputation that her family could have destroyed.”

 

Lexa shook her head. “Would her family really have taken down the school’s reputation? Could they have?”

 

“You’d be surprised what damage one woman can do. They had lived in that town two years, I had lived there my whole life. And yet…”

 

 

 

**_ Flashback _ **

 

_Clarke walked into school the following Monday morning with a sense of dread still filling her. At this point, she still didn’t know what exactly had happened, and not knowing was making her crazy. She had gotten a call Saturday evening from their number and excitedly answered only to be once again filled with dread. It was Jocelyn’s mother, asking to speak with Abby, Clarke’s mother. Clarke told her she wasn’t home and of course they didn’t believe her. She grew irritated and told them her mother worked second shift this week at the hospital, and she wasn’t home. She then asked what the call was about, to which she received the response “You’re well aware what it’s about.” And was promptly hung up on._

_She knew that Jocelyn’s family must have found out and been furious, but she was under the impression that this must have been hard on Jocelyn too. But it obviously wasn’t. She tried to get her attention at school Monday mid-day when she saw her in the hall before lunch, but she turned away as if she didn’t even know who she was. A note she gave to a friend to give to her, simply asking ‘what is happening’ was given back to her with no response. Shortly after lunch, she was called to the office, and was then told that she was to have no contact with Jocelyn. She was to avoid hallways and common areas that she may even run into her by chance. Her schedule was altered to try and help this situation._

_“I don’t understand what is going on, why am I being punished?” She asked the counsellor, Mrs. Baker, when she was told her schedule was being moved around. “You dropped one of my classes to give me one I’ve already taken? You’re taking my credits away that I need!”_

_The counsellor had only shrugged. “I don’t know what else to do. They are threatening a lawsuit with the school. This is the only thing we can do to keep this from escalating.”_

_Clarke’s mind was a whirlwind of confusion. “To keep **what** from escalating? That they don’t like that their daughter kissed a girl? Who cares?! So now **my** entire life gets fucked? Who gives them the right? Or YOU for that matter? I’ve been kicked out of karate, the one thing I loved and was good at. Now you’re messing with my academic schedule, which affects my future?”_

_“Clarke please, you need to calm down. I’m sorry, I really am, but you getting upset like this is only making it easier for them.” Mrs. Baker sighed and sat at the edge of her desk close to Clarke’s chair. She lowered her voice as she spoke as calmly as she could. “They are saying you manipulated her…that she was afraid of you.”_

_Clarke’s blood ran cold. “W-what?”_

_The counsellor gave her a sad smile. “For what it’s worth, I know that’s not you. But they are saying they will push this forward. I can’t say much else, but…honestly Clarke I’ve known you your entire life and I could be fired for this but, they’re saying you’re unstable, and that the school could have prevented it.”_

_Clarke heard the words, despite the blood pulsing through her ears and the sound of static filling the room. “Unstable…” she whispered and felt her eyes filling with tears. “What did I do? I’ve never hurt anyone.”_

_Mrs. Baker placed her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “I know that, I do. However, they said she was too young to understand, was afraid to make you angry. They’re saying…” She stopped, unable to bring herself to say the words._

_Clarke swallowed a lump in her throat, the words barely able to pass her lips. “They’re saying I coerced her, and she went along out of fear. That I….that I took advantage.”_

_The counsellor could only nod. “Look, this is the only way I could keep you in school, and seem to satisfy them. But the mother…she’s not backing down. The father seems reasonable, and wants to let it be, he even tried to speak up for you.” She stood up and walked back around to her desk to sit down. “I’ve called your mother. You’ll have to be out of school for a little while.”_

_Clarke’s head shot up. “You just said I could stay in school.”_

_She nodded, “Yes, but as one of the conditions, you’ll have to go and talk to someone, to assess the situation first.” She looked sad, almost ashamed. “I’m so sorry Clarke, but I can keep this out of your record if everything goes okay.”_

_A knock on the door interrupted them and Mrs. Baker stood to open the door slightly. Clarke looked out, and wished she hadn’t. She saw Jocelyn’s mother, and the fire in her eyes. “She’s still in this school?” He voice was loud and her finger was pointed at Clarke. “Why is that little psycho bitch still in this school?”_

_The door was closed quickly, and Mrs. Baker and another woman Clarke had never seen before were in the room with her. “I’m sorry about that Clarke. She thought we had already handled this earlier, but we were unable to reach your mom at the hospital. Just one more thing they will be unhappy about.”_

_Clarke said nothing, she just sat there._

_“Clarke my name is Sharron Lepeski. Your mom is leaving her shift at the hospital but we are going to meet her okay?”_

_Clarke said nothing, she just sat there._

_Mrs. Baker walked over and knelt down and tried to catch Clarke’s eyes. “Ms. Lepeski works for Wellstone Regional. “_

_Clarke’s eyes flickered, but she made no other movements. She knew what Wellstone was. It’s a psychiatric hospital._

_Ms. Lepeski grabbed Clarke’s bag and put her hand on the door. “Come with me, Clarke. Everything will be okay.”_

_Everything will be okay. Clarke heard echo in her head._

 

“But,” Clarke raised her head a little and licked her lips, looking into Lexa’s eyes, “everything most certainly wasn’t okay.”

 

“Tell me.” Lexa spoke softly, her eyes open and warm.

 

“It’s actually quite strange now, looking back. I don’t remember anything but flashes when it comes to the ride to the hospital, or even seeing my mom. I think I was just so numb to it all, or in shock maybe. I recall a giant of a man that worked as a nurse or maybe he was an orderly. I remember them taking my bag from my mom. I guess she had gone home and packed me some clothes. I recall being directed into a room with two female nurses to strip search me. I overheard one of them saying I was called a ‘livewire, ready to snap’…which I can laugh about now, because I don’t think I felt anything, let alone ready to snap. I had no energy. I didn’t care anymore.”

 

Clarke pulls away from Lexa and sits up gently, but keeps a hold of her hand. She rolls her neck and pops her back. “The livewire comment, I found out later from a schoolmate, was something Jocelyn’s mom had said about the ‘psycho that was stalking her daughter’. One of the nurses knew her mom. Guess they talked about me before my arrival. Nice huh?” Clarke huffs a little. “Anyway, they searched me, made a bunch of notes in a chart. All they could really mark down was how I looked in that moment, and that I had drawings and writing on my arms and legs because I did that at night when I got bored. Nothing bad, just stupid kid stuff a girl with no friends did. Anything else they documented, was stuff said by other people.” She shrugged. “The odds were stacked against me even at a hospital. I was put there on someone else’s lies, and the notes about me were taken based on those lies…and I had been there 15 minutes and hadn’t said a word.”

 

Lexa shifted and squeezed Clarke’s hand. “What about your mom? Do you remember what she said or did during all of this? What about your dad?”

 

Clarke shrugged again. “Honestly no. I mean I know she was there, I recall hearing her tell them Jocelyn’s mom got a restraining order against me.” She looked into Lexa’s eyes, waiting to see…she wasn’t sure what she expected to see, but what she saw, was nothing but understanding and love. “My dad wasn’t there. Step-dad I should say. I only met my real father once, but he didn’t want anything to do with me after hearing about all this. He had another family already anyway.” She cleared her throat. “My stepdad is a story for another day.” Lexa nodded and stroked Clarke’s hand.

 

“So, at this point,” Clarke continues, “I am kicked out of karate, out of school at the moment, my academic schedule was fucked up because of that lying bitch of a woman, and now I’m sitting in a psychiatric hospital, labeled a psycho livewire that’s ready to snap, being strip searched and have no idea how long I will be there.”

 

Lexa adjusted her position and squared her shoulders. “I want to know, but I don’t want you to push or tell me anything you aren’t ready for.”

 

“I think I need to get it out and over with, and then deal with what comes next.” She saw Lexa’s confused look but continued on. “I ended up being there for only three days…maybe four, that I honestly can’t remember, because for at least a day or so of it, I was pumped full of drugs and barely remembered my own name.” She leaned back against the couch and scratched at her forehead. “I probably would have been there longer if not for the step-father and his family. Can’t have someone in their family in crazy house, right? Reputations and all that.” Her voice was level, almost bored sounding, but Lexa could tell it was Clarke’s way of trying to keep the painful memories contained.

 

“I have never liked hospitals. Not the look, not the smell, not even the miracles performed in them some days. I can’t say for sure when it started, but I know my stay at that place just made my resolve concrete in my hatred for them.”

 

**__ **

**_ Flashback  _ **

 

_“Alright Clarke, we’ll get you settled in your room and then you can shower.” They led her down a hallway, many eyes upon her but she ignored them all. She numbly carried her bag and followed the orderly until he reached a door and swiped his card. The panel lit green and a click was heard and he pushed the door open._

_“This will be your room while you’re with us. This is Jerri, your roommate.” Clarke walked inside and put her bag on the bed. It was a small room, pale green walls with white and cream coloured bedding. The girl, Jerri, was sitting on the bed with a nervous bounce to her knees._

_“How long will I be here?” It was the first thing she had said, and the sound of her voice surprised herself and the orderly both. She didn’t really care honestly, but she did hate hospitals._

_“Well, that depends on you, Clarke. I’m sure it won’t be too long though.” He smiled his fake placating smile and backed out of the room. Clarke sighed and walked over to the window, looking out on the town below. It was bigger than hers for sure, but still small in the grand scheme of things._

_“Don’t bother, the windows are reinforced. Even a chair won’t break them.” Clarke turned at the sound of her voice, raspy for the girl, it didn’t seem to fit her. “It’s been tried.” She laughed and laid back on her bed. “So, what did you do?”_

_Clarke ignored her, rolling her eyes._

_“Everyone finds out eventually, might as well tell me. You don’t participate in group and you’ll be here even longer.” Jerri stated matter-of-factly._

_“How long have you been here?” Clarke asked, still looking out the window into the distance._

_“Only 4 months, but longer if I can.” Clarke turned at this, surprise must have been evident on her face. “What? This is better than my alternative, at least for now.”_

_Part of Clarke wanted to ask why she was here, but the other part knew she didn’t want to know, and would probably find out soon enough anyway. She just nodded._

_“What. Did. You. Do?” The girl persisted and Clarke began to grind her teeth. “What did you do, Clarke?”_

_“Nothing,” Clarke whispered, but it was enough._

_The girl continued on. “A lot of people say they did nothing, but no one here will believe that. Some are proud of what they did, but they are usually crazy. Some say nothing because they believe it. Others, well the others did nothing but are still here anyway.” She paused, and Clarke could feel her eyes on her, but she didn’t move from her spot at the window._

_“Okay then…what did they do to you?” Clarke stiffened. “Someone did something, blamed you, set you up, made you guilty…yeah?” Clarke began to nod, and it then turned into a shrug._

_“Don’t do that.”_

_Clarke finally turned around and leveled her eyes on the girl. “Don’t do what?”_

_“Look, whatever happened, you have two choices. You keep fighting it and denying it, setting the record straight if you can, or you give into it and let it make you whatever they say you are. It is one or the other, it can’t be both. You can’t be unsure.” Her eyes were hard and green, and Clarke swallowed at their intensity._

_“Why can’t I be unsure?” She didn’t understand, nothing made sense._

_“Because either you fight them and what they say about you, or you give in and be whatever it is they’re making you out to be. Right or wrong, for better or worse, at least then the power is in your hands and not in theirs. If you’re unsure and doubting yourself if you are or aren’t, they control you. And then you’ll never get out of here…if that’s what you want.”_

_Clarke stared at her, trying to make sense of her words. “You’re still here.”_

_Jerri nodded. “Like I said, you fight or you surrender to what’s being said about you. The power is back in your hands either way. I chose to surrender, but to pretend to be unsure. So far, that keeps me here, which is exactly what I want. At least for now.”_

_Clarke took a hesitant step forward. “Why?”_

_Jerri looked at her with such intensity, Clarke nearly stepped back again. “I surrendered to what was said about me, but I won’t surrender to what actually was. At least in here…” she looked around at the bland walls, “at least in here I am safe.”_

_Clarke didn’t understand the situation, but she didn’t need to. She understood the words. Jerri submit herself to being whatever her accuser made her out to be. She submits herself to confinement within this hospital, but she did so, and continues to do so, of her own power, because here she is safe. “How old are you?” Clarke questioned._

_Jerri smiled. “I’ll be 17 next month. Just one more year.”_

_A knock on the door and the sound of the lock disengaging interrupted anything further. Clarke understood now. Jerri was playing her part until she was 18. At 18 she would be an adult. At 18, she would be free. Clarke didn’t know what happened, and she never asked. It was clear enough that whatever it was, it was bad enough that Jerri would sacrifice a year and a half of her life to a mental hospital with the hopes of getting out and getting away at 18, rather than to go back to whatever she left behind. She was willing to leave with a record of mental illness, that she more than likely didn’t enter with, that would follow her into adulthood, and perhaps through her entire life._

_Clarke understood her choices now. She could fight, or she could surrender, either choice of her own power. She couldn’t be unsure. But, Jerri never said she couldn’t appear to fight on the outside, and surrender to herself on the inside._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think. The next chapter is already in progress.


End file.
